Monday, February 05, 2007

New! Kern County Barbies for Sale!

Thanks to D for emailing me these - and thanks to who ever made it up. Good Stuff.

"Taft Barbie"
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis
knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model
is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably
small, untraceable bills) unless you are a cop, then we don't know what
you are talking about.

"Tehachapi Barbie"
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair,
arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white
socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a
Ken doll, but if you purchase two Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon,
you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free. She works at Costco,
eats lunch at Luigi's on Saturday's and goes to Pyrenees for drinks.

"Oildale Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too
small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has
a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit
over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk.
Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper
sticker absolutely free.

"Greenacres Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own
high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased
beer-gutted Ken out of Greenacres Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes
low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through
halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

"Cottonwood Barbie"
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional
accessories include a GED and GET bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979
Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the
addition of the infant.

"Seven Oaks Barbie"
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer
H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club
membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Garces High
School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

"Rosedale Barbie"
This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan
or Chevy Tahoe and matching gym outfit. She has no full-time occupation.
This soccer mom enjoys shopping at Target and eating lunch at Sequoia.
Home Builder Ken or Law Enforcement Ken sold separately.

"Haggin Oaks Barbie"
This princess Barbie is sold only at the Marketplace. She comes with an
assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign
dog named Honey and a custom home. Available with or without tummy tuck
and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the
augmented version.


  1. Where's east side barbie?

  2. Wow!! Now that's on point

  3. Funny as hell......LOL

  4. Anonymous12:35 PM

    Lol tehachapi doesn't have a Costo or Luigi

    1. Anonymous9:10 AM

      They drive into bakersfield

  5. Anonymous6:47 PM

    Need an east side Barbie!

  6. Thanks everyone for reading. It's been a long time since I posted this stuff.

  7. Anonymous3:49 PM

    Tehachapi one Is soooo far off! Where'd you come up with that?! Rosedale Barbie is way more fitting:)

  8. Anonymous5:42 PM

  9. Anonymous7:24 PM

    Having lived in both I can tell you, Tehachapi Barbie is way off, but Rosedale Barbie is spot on! lol

  10. Anonymous8:32 AM

    Ha. Stereotypes. But this is funny. Make more!

  11. Rosedale Barbie is dead on lol

  12. Anonymous9:07 AM

    The east side barbie needs her own ebt card, honda accord with one mismatched rim and iPhone 5 lol

    1. Anonymous3:58 PM

      Unless, of course, East Side Barbie lives in City in the Hills, Tuscany or Rio Bravo. Then she'd have a remote for the neighborhood gate, a remote for the garage, a remote to start the car, a remote for the car stereo, a remote for TV, a remote for the DVD player, a remote for the lights, a remote for the fan...

    2. Anonymous6:40 AM


  13. Anonymous9:09 AM

    Garcies high School skipper is no longer available because he developed a heffy coke problem while at Garcies. Now you must offer rehab Robbie.

  14. I agree - Tehachapi doesn't make much sense to me. AND there does need to be an East Side Barbie. And maybe even a Frazier Park or a Wasco Barbie. The possibilities are endless.

  15. how about the East side barbie and the Union Ave Barbie

  16. Anonymous10:36 AM

    I loved reading all of these. Thank you for making it, and keep them coming. Many more could be added to these. -Micayla Elliott

  17. Anonymous11:10 AM

    Too funny I like it

  18. What about Maricopa Barbie and Lamont and Wasco and arvin????????

  19. Anonymous7:54 PM

    "Where's east side barbie?"

  20. Anonymous10:48 AM

    East side Barbie aka mugshot Barbie was being booked for solicitation and was not available for photos at this time.

  21. Anonymous4:31 PM

    The cottonwood one, Lmao!!

  22. Anonymous8:56 PM

    Ok, these were flat out stolen from someone else who actually came up with these for the 909 area. In 2000! Here's the original link, and I really wish someone who actually knows the area would come up with Barbies that are actually *true* -

    1. In defense of my honor, I never claimed I wrote this. If you read the intro, I clearly state, "Thanks to D for emailing me these - and thanks to who ever made it up." It was sent to me by someone and I reposted it.

  23. What about a Westchester Barbie? Lots of us gals down here.

    1. I agree! In fact, I happen to be one. Well, not a Barbie....

  24. Anonymous10:20 PM

    i agree with others the rosedale one is spot on, these are hilarious i think you should do more. also agree east side barbie is a must add.

  25. Lmao Definitely need a union Barbie.

    Union Barbie
    This Barbie can only be bought at night. She likes to spend her time roaming the streets after dark in her 6 inch high heels and skin tight dress that she uses to accentuate her ass. . ets. .This nightowl also comes with her very famous crabs chlamydia and can't forget about gonorrhea. If you buy her she'll be sure to make you happy. Pimp Ken not included.

  26. Anonymous6:15 AM

    They forgot Delano Barbie, with a wrecked car.

  27. Anonymous7:28 AM

    WOW !! Tehachapi Barbie is so way off...

  28. God thats too funny!! they need to add a Boron barbie and a California City one as well, I'd buy them!!

  29. Anonymous11:38 AM

    Where is the bro-hoe barbie? Two toned hair, too tight miss me's, uggs, and Metal Mulisha love handle hugging shirts. Comes with a jager bottle and bagged single cab pick up and pit bull puppy. Ken's hard working roughneck lifestyle supporting her no fear spending habits. In an optional FR coveralls and hard hat or Diamond and Metal Mulisha shirt with matching hats, dickie shorts, chucks, and black crew socks.

  30. Anonymous2:45 PM

    Downtown Barbie can not be located since her drunken-Meth-induce episode. She may be at the Lerdo Jail fo all I know. All her accessories have been pawned though and will not be described in detail.

  31. Anonymous4:20 AM

    Thanks! good stuff keep it coming!!

  32. Anonymous10:12 PM

    Love all of these...All in good humor!

  33. Anonymous10:19 PM

    You forgot Lake Isabella/Bodfish Barbie! She can be found pushing her 4 toddlers from 4 different baby daddy Ken dolls around in a stroller down the blvd. with one hand, and a handle of Kessler Whiskey in the other...she comes sporting pajama pants as day wear and a white tank top with a black bra that she squeezed herself into. She comes with most of her teeth, full sets are sold separately! Her accessories include a 32oz. BFC Monster energy drink, a one day supply of meth, or a can of choose!

  34. Anonymous11:17 AM

    Tehachapi Barbie is ridiculously off... except for the Subaru. Rosedale is spot on though! So funny!