Why my nuts itch.

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Original: In 1971, the edge of the universe, for me, was located just beyond the corner of Akers and Planz. My house was on a tiny cul-de-sac in a small town surrounded by dirt fields and farm land. I was four years old. I remember playing with my brother and sister, the little girl my mom babysat who almost drowned in our pool, and collecting penny toads at the sump. But my clearest, most vivid, and life altering memory is of the time a monkey attacked me in the backyard. My siblings and I spent most of our summer days outside. My mother would literally tell us to "go outside and play" then lock the door behind us so she could get her housework done. The evenings were usually spent together, around the table, and then, either reading or watching whatever my father deemed worthy of viewing. Most of the time we read. On special occasions, he would BBQ hamburgers and we would sit at the picnic table under the patio and eat juicy, cheesy burgers and drink Pepsi. One evening, after preparing my burger (with Miracle Whip and sweet pickle chips) I sat down at the table to enjoy my meal while the rest of my family constructed their burgers inside. I was the youngest, which is probably why I was served first. As I was swinging my boney legs beneath the bench, feeling the warm tightness of my skin in the sun, and enjoying the first bites of burger - I was suddenly startled by a frightening sight. A Spider Monkey came flying (Wizard of Oz style) over the fence and leaped onto the table RIGHT IN FRONT ME. Baring his tiny, sharp teeth, he began screeching and clawing his boney little fingers at me. Let us all pause for a moment to take in how COMPLETELY terrifying and OUT OF THE NORM this experience would be FOR ANYONE - let alone for a little girl living in small town Bakersfield. Needless to say, I totally freaked out! I ran into the house and slammed shut the sliding glass door. By this time, with me sobbing uncontrollably, my family joined me at the window. The monkey proceeded to consume my burger, clenched in his tiny, furry fists, while continuing to shriek at us all gawking at him through the window. Now, I know this sounds awful, and crazy, and surreal, but trust me, it gets worse. After devouring my homemade, yummy, BBQd cheeseburger, this animal, THIS BEAST, then began to jump and claw and scratch at the sliding glass door behind which my family and I had taken refuge. He basically tried to attack us – begging for more food. That creature went ballistic. I don't remember how it was all resolved. I guess I blocked most of it out of my memory. But I do know it had something to do with our nearby neighbors "The Mears" of racecar fame. I was left scared. I spent most of my childhood afraid of the "mean monkeys in the closet" and caused my sister (who is seven years older) many hours of headache over my nightmares. To this day, I cannot watch the Wizard of Oz with out wiggin' out.	Keywords: in 1971 [the] edge of [the] universe for [me] [was] located just beyond [the] corner of akers [and] planz my house [was] on [a] tiny cul-de-sac in [a] small town surrounded by dirt fields [and] farm land i [was] four years old i remember playing [with] my brother [and] sister [the] little girl my mom babysat [who] almost drowned in our pool [and] collecting penny toads [at] [the] sump but my clearest most vivid [and] life altering memory [is] of [the] time [a] monkey attacked [me] in [the] backyard my siblings [and] i spent most of our summer days outside my mother would literally tell us [to] go outside [and] play then lock [the] door behind us so [she] could get [her] housework done [the] evenings were usually spent together [around] [the] table [and] then either reading or watching whatever my father deemed worthy of viewing most of [the] time [we] read on special occasions he would bbq hamburgers [and] [we] would sit [at] [the] picnic table under [the] patio [and] eat juicy cheesy burgers [and] drink pepsi one evening after preparing my burger [with] miracle whip [and] sweet pickle chips i sat down [at] [the] table [to] enjoy my meal while [the] rest of my family constructed their burgers inside i [was] [the] youngest which [is] probably why i [was] served first [as] i [was] swinging my boney legs beneath [the] bench feeling [the] warm tightness of my skin in [the] sun [and] enjoying [the] first bites of burger i [was] suddenly startled by [a] frightening sight [a] spider monkey came flying wizard of oz style over [the] fence [and] leaped onto [the] table right in front [me] baring his tiny sharp teeth he began screeching [and] clawing his boney little fingers [at] [me] let us all pause for [a] moment [to] take in how completely terrifying [and] out of [the] norm this experience would [be] for anyone let alone for [a] little girl living in small town bakersfield needless [to] say i totally freaked out i ran into [the] house [and] slammed shut [the] sliding glass door by this time [with] [me] sobbing uncontrollably my family joined [me] [at] [the] window [the] monkey proceeded [to] consume my burger clenched in his tiny furry fists while continuing [to] shriek [at] us all gawking [at] him through [the] window now i know this sounds awful [and] crazy [and] surreal but trust [me] [it] gets worse after devouring my homemade yummy bbqd cheeseburger this animal this beast then began [to] jump [and] claw [and] scratch [at] [the] sliding glass door behind which my family [and] i had taken refuge he basically tried [to] attack us – begging for [more] food that creature went ballistic i do [not] remember how [it] [was] all resolved i guess i blocked most of [it] out of my memory but i do know [it] had something [to] do [with] our nearby neighbors [the] mears of racecar fame i [was] left scared i spent most of my childhood afraid of [the] mean monkeys in [the] closet [and] caused my sister [who] [is] seven years older [many] hours of headache over my nightmares [to] this day i cannot watch [the] wizard of oz [with] out wiggin out
Words: 537 (NOTE: The genie works best on texts of more than 500 words.) Female Score: 464 Male Score: 532 The Gender Genie thinks the author of this passage is: male!