New! Kern County Barbies for Sale!

Thanks to D for emailing me these - and thanks to who ever made it up. Good Stuff.


"Taft Barbie"
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis
knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model
is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably
small, untraceable bills) unless you are a cop, then we don't know what
you are talking about.




"Tehachapi Barbie"
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair,
arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white
socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a
Ken doll, but if you purchase two Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon,
you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free. She works at Costco,
eats lunch at Luigi's on Saturday's and goes to Pyrenees for drinks.




"Oildale Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too
small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has
a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit
over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk.
Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper
sticker absolutely free.




"Greenacres Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own
high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased
beer-gutted Ken out of Greenacres Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes
low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through
halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.



"Cottonwood Barbie"
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional
accessories include a GED and GET bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979
Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the
addition of the infant.


"Seven Oaks Barbie"
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer
H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club
membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Garces High
School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.




"Rosedale Barbie"
This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan
or Chevy Tahoe and matching gym outfit. She has no full-time occupation.
This soccer mom enjoys shopping at Target and eating lunch at Sequoia.
Home Builder Ken or Law Enforcement Ken sold separately.




"Haggin Oaks Barbie"
This princess Barbie is sold only at the Marketplace. She comes with an
assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign
dog named Honey and a custom home. Available with or without tummy tuck
and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the
augmented version.