Nads! for Men

I was walking through Rite Aid (grr... I hate that place) when I just so happened to glance over and see these bad boys. I did a double take, then I cracked up and took out my camera. It wasn't easy to get a good picture with out getting busted in there, but here ya go. The entire Nads family.

I always wondered how dudes shaved their balls.

Looking Forward to the Future

I watched that movie, Children of Men, last night. I fully expected to see a bunch of pregnant men walking around trying to squirt a baby outta their pee holes. You can imagine my disappointment. But then I realized there was something else wrong with the movie. Twenty years from now the world has disintegrated into chaos, terrorism, and non-stop destruction. WTF?

Where’s that “My Future’s so Bright’ dude? I think we could use a dose of optimism

Give me your ice cream - or else!

Another strange story is in the news today. A man brandishing a replica samurai-style sword, and a toy gun walked into the Dreyer’s Ice Cream plant Wednesday morning and started threatening people with it. Of course they did what any one would do – they laughed at him. He didn’t care for that. When another employee asked him ‘what was up’ replied, “I'll show you what's up” and smashed a Plexiglas display case. Ooooo scary. Next he grabbed a woman and put the sword to her throat, and she was all ‘Dude, I think you cut me’ then she walked off to find a band aid. (Oh my gawd, too funny!) It gets better.

Another employee traps the guy in a small storage room and begin begins to spray him with water from a hose. (hahahahaha) While he’s being hosed down, the guy continues “jabbing his sword through the seam between the double doors.” (hahahahahah!) Then, the dude drops his toy gun and it shatters on the ground. (hahahahahaha.) Sounds like a scene from a Mel Brooks movie.

Want to know the funniest part of the news article? One of the men that helped subdue Mr. Coocoo was quoted as saying, “This is Bakersfield, This kind of stuff happens somewhere else.”

Actually dude, this is exactly the kind of stuff that happens here.

Stupid Sons

It looks like eleven years behind bars didn’t teach Bruce Sons to appreciate his freedom. After having first degree murder conviction overturned and being found guilty of voluntary manslaughter instead, Sons was released for time served. Now his attorneys are trying to get the manslaughter conviction over turned. Sounds to me like what they’re really trying to do is milk more money out of the case.

A cop is dead. Granted, he wasn’t a very nice cop. Neither was Sons a very nice citizen. Put the two of them together and it’s not surprising somebody ended up dead. Maybe the time Sons served wasn’t long enough. I don’t know.

All I know is if I were Sons I would take my freedom and run

Favorite New Search String

I can't be the first person to ever do this!

See if you can READ THIS!!!

I was catching up on some blog reading this morning when I came across this post about anti Bush slogans. (I like #24.) One of them reminded me of a bumper sticker I saw recently. I tried to get a picture of it, but they got away before I could. The sticker read, “If you can read this, Thank a Teacher. If you’re reading it in English, Thank a Solider.” Okay, that’s nice and all and I understand the sentiment, but come on… the sticker is written in English. It’d be kind of hard to read it in German.

Maybe the bumper sticker maker should be thanking the solider.

No Go Bro!

Apparently Vincent Brothers isn’t too excited about the prospect of spending his life in prison. (Too bad he didn’t think of that before he done them in.) The Bro was found yesterday with paper clips in his fro. He tried to explain it away as a simple jail house assessory, but the deputies weren’t buying it.

No really, he was just trying a new hair style!

The worst date ever.

Being a single woman in Bakersfield is no picnic. Most of the men my age are either married or there is a very good reason they never have been. I have spent most of my thirties going from one disastrous date to another, but I have to say, this past summer I had the worst date ever.

I met Rick at a going away party for another friend. He was nice enough, not too pushy but still interested. As my friend prepared to leave he asked for my phone number, so I gave it to him. I didn't think much about it after that, but Rick called me two days later. We talked for a long time on the phone and he was very nice. After that we talked several more times before agreeing to meet for dinner. I asked if it was okay for my best friend to come along just for a drink before dinner and he agreed. She and I often look for advice about men from each other, and she wanted to meet him.

We arrived about a half hour early for the date and sat down at the bar for a glass of wine. Rick came in 30 minutes later, right on time and joined us at the bar. I introduced him to my friend and she promised him she had no plans on staying. At first everything went well. He was funny and nice, but after a while it became clear there was something wrong. He would not shut up.

I don't know if he was nervous because my friend was there or what, but that dude would NOT stop talking. It was strange. If one of us tried to interject we were cut off. He even asked me a question but then did not allow me to answer it. In fact, with all the talking he was doing, none of it was directed at me. He didn't even look at me. He just talked to her. For 30 minutes, maybe more, he rambled. It was excruciating.

Her wine gone and her ear completely bent, my friend tried to excuse herself from our date. "No!" he insisted, "Stay! We can all have dinner together!" My friend politely refused and took her leave. I felt like going with her.

The minute she was out of earshot he looked at me and said, "What was that? She was awful!"

Then he went off on how horrible it was for me to bring my friend and how rude she was to him. I just sat there, dumbfounded. After listening to him rant for a few minutes about how much he disliked my best friend, I suggested that maybe we talk about something else.

By this time we were at a table and had ordered our meals. I ate my salad while he talked. He didn't touch his food. He wasn't going to let anything slow him down. He talked about his job, and his house, and his son, where he went to school, and what kind of music he liked. By the time our entrees arrived, I had his whole life story. It was the worst date I had ever been on.

I quickly consumed the steak I had ordered and pointed out to Rick that he had food too, maybe he should eat it. That shut him up a for a few minutes. After we had finished eating he began to try and woo me. He took my hands and told me how pretty they were, then he started rambling again. I couldn't take it anymore. I jerked my hands back and asked him, "What is wrong with you?" I pointed out that he had spent the entire evening talking, to the point where I was ready claw my eyes out just to get him to stop. You'd think that would have shut him up, at least a little. Nope.

He began to ramble again about how it was "my fault" because I insisted we meet at a restaurant and he doesn't like restaurants. "Where would you have liked to have gone?" I asked him.

"To the beach, or maybe to the mountains," he replied.

My head about hit the table when he said that. "I am not going out of town with you on a first date," I told him.

Then he said, "This isn't 1950." I think my head did hit the table that time.

Then he went on and on about how dumb it is to have dinner at a restaurant and how much he hated it. At one point during the tirade, I interrupted to ask him if he had a dog. I held up my left over steak to indicate he could take it in a doggie bag. He looked at me as if I was the stupidest person he had ever met and (hand to God) spat, "What kind of a question is THAT? Of course I have a dog!" I got up and went to the bathroom. A public toilet was more desirable at that point.

After I returned the waitress came up to us with our empty plates and glasses, and asked if would like anything else. "NO!" I told her desperately, "We're ready to go."

Then Rick said (and I'm not making this up) "No! We're going to stay right here. You're going to sit right there and listen to me."

That was it. I lost it. I shot him a look that froze him, stood up and said, "You do not talk TO ME like that!" Then I grabbed my coat and stormed out of the restaurant.

Later that evening I passed Rick on the street dressed as a woman. He didn't look half bad.

Rant Vol. 2

Some of you may remember the co-worker I complained about a few months ago because all he does is play solitaire. Yeah, he’s still doing that and it still drives me crazy, but now I’ve got something else to bitch about.

The dude has got to be pushing 60 and topping off somewhere around 300 pounds. Pluse he smokes!! He literally looks like a heart attack waiting to happen. I once saw him turn red and break out in sweat from walking to the copy machine. The copy machine is about ten steps away from his desk. But the thing that really bothers me most is that every single day he goes to out to lunch and gets the biggest, fattest, nastiest cheeseburger he can find and washes it down with a gallon of soda. So why should I care what he eats?

His office is right next door to mine! If I end up having to give his fat ass CPR I’m going to be really pissed.

Favorite New Search String

Looks like I've made it into the sporting news.

How crazy is that?

Mr Brothers Goes to Death Row

The jury returned with the death sentence for Vincent Brothers, so off to death row he goes. It’s not too surprising, I mean, the dude did kill his whole family. But it’s a little frustrating because we all know he will most likely die of old age before they ever execute him. So what’s the point? It costs more to house an inmate on death row. Why not just give him 5 consecutive life sentences and let him rot?

Personally, I don’t believe in the death penalty no matter what. It doesn’t make sense to me say it’s against the law to kill someone, and then turn around and kill someone. I understand the desire some people feel for revenge. I’m sure I’d want to choke the life out of anyone who hurt my son. And I can sort of see giving the death penalty to really heinous serial killers. But considering how expensive it is to execute someone and house them on death row, it makes more sense to me to just lock them up and throw away the key. Sounds a lot more like a punishment than a quick and painless death. (Although I hear the jury is still out on how painless the lethal injection really is.)

Of course if people around here had their way they’d just drag the ol boy out in the street and hang ‘em. Or at least that’s how some people over on the Bakersfield.com blogs were talking.

It’s frightening really how bloodthirsty some people can be.

People These Days

You know it’s time to worry about the people in your community when the paper publishes an article telling them they “need to cross roads only at street corners and marked crosswalks, and drivers, if they do hit someone, need to stop.” Gee, ya think?

I don’t think it’s all that surprising we’ve had an increase in hit and runs given the population explosion in Bakersfield over the past few years. More drivers equals more drivers who shouldn’t be driving. Period. If you have to be told to stop after you run someone down in the road, you just shouldn’t be driving.

The same goes for the idiots wandering around in the streets. I saw a woman jaywalking on 34^th Street the other day with her two teenaged children in tow. When a car slowed down lest run them over, she actually glared at the driver and deliberately slowed her pace. I felt like hitting her myself. Not with the car of course. More of a slap upside the head.

Nice way to teach your children how to cross the street.

My Not So Lonely Boy

I was driving around town the other day when that song “Lonely Boy” came on. I like the song so I started to sing along. As I sang I realized that the lyrics to the song have to be some of the dumbest ever written. I mean, why was the boy so lonely? He had parents. He had a sister. What was his problem?

So I was talking about the song with Paul yesterday asking him, as an only child, why he thought the boy was so lonely. I sang the song to him since he wasn’t familiar with it and about half way through Paul said, “There’s your answer.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“He’s lonely because his parents taught him to fight, so now he’s alienated and doesn’t have any friends” he responded logically.

I love my kid.

Question

Does anybody out there know what this - รายการจากประมาณ - language is? Cuz it doesn't look familiar (or even kinda real) to me and there is somebody out there who speaks รายการจากประมาณ and I'd like to say hi!

Favorite New Search Strings

Oh. My. Gawd. Why? Oh why would someone do this? Or THIS?

Peace Out

I don’t know if it’s carpal tunnel or what, but my hand hurts so Ima not going to type anymore today. I’m reading the Stephen King novel Thinner, and it’s really good. Man, that dude can write.

Have great weekend everyone!

What's the Point?

There’s a man that I work with who does something strange every day. Or at least I think it’s strange. He’s a nice man and I like him. Every morning when I walk into work he is sitting in the same spot and I say, “Good morning Jake” and he says, “Good morning Bake!” and that’s it. That is the extent of our relationship, and I like it that way. But I have to admit I am dying to ask him about the strange thing he does.

The strange thing he does is word searches. Everyday he sits there with his Big Book O’ Word Searches and circles letters. Every few days he has a new book. Obviously there are stranger things out there, but just don’t get the point of word searches. Crossword puzzles – okay, I get that. But word searches?? There is absolutely no value to them, and this dude is hooked on them. Granted there are worse habits. Crack. Hookers. Peanut butter. Whatever. Those habits I can understand. But word searches?

The only thing word searches are good for is straining the eyes

Meow!

I just wish I could be this relaxed right now.

For Waist High

Mexicali downtown last night. Yeah baby!

Favorite New Website

I'm glad I'm not the only one who has the urge to do this every time I see a Hummer.


Groovy Green rules.

Party like it's 1999.

I've been trying to get these pictures posted all week but my pc just hasn't been cooperating. This is my friend whom I like to call Donna. She's a nice girl who for some reason likes my blog. She recently graduated from LAW SCHOOL, so I went to Ventura to celebrate with her. Of course, she was kinda busy trying to entertain the 50 other people also there to celebrate with her, so I was left alone to entertain myself. Dangerous... very dangerous.


These are the pretty flowers on my table.


This is dude sitting next to me. I don't remember his name cuz I'm rude like that.


Apparently I said something funny. Or maybe he was just laughing AT me.



All I know is it wasn't long before he was in tears. I'm pretty sure he went and sat somewhere else after that.


The party had a Western BBQ theme complete with red bandannas and little metal sheriff badges. It was so gosh darn cute!




This is the cute little boy who ran around taking pictures all night. He somehow managed to get the worlds worst picture of me then proceeded to show everyone. I really hated that kid.


This is the deer head that was hanging by the front door. When I walked up the deer head began to sing, causing me to shriek in terror and wet my pants. Ah - good times.



This is The Brother and the brain child behind the singing deer head. He was pretty nice, but I was still mad at him for scaring me.


So I took a picture of his crotch and posted it on my blog.


That's how I roll.

Parenting 101

Paul just called me and informed me that he cut his 4th period class today, so of course I did what any good parent would do.

I told him that next time he ditches I'd prefer it if he told me before he did it. Not after.

In the News....

The big news in town today is that the majority of the people who live here don’t hate it! Wow! In fact, according to the survey conducted by the Kern Council of Governments, 65.8 percent of the people surveyed would rate the “overall quality of life” as an A or a B! In your face Bako haters.

The paper printed a few quotes from the pollsters on what they thought could be done to improve things around here. One not so bright fellow said, “Send the illegals back because they are taking over the place. It’s like Tijuana.” I hope he’s happy they didn’t publish his name along side this asinine comment. Another not so bright person said the thing that will make Bakersfield a better place is “adding more shops.”

Screw the air quality – give us more franchise merchandise!

*****

The media has been all up in Tom Sizemore’s grill ever since he was arrested here earlier this month. There’s a picture of him on the front page of the paper surrounded by a bunch of news hounds sticking mics in his face. He has a look on his face like he’d love to shove those mics straight up their collective asses.

Sizemore was all smiles at his arraignment yesterday but the judge quickly wiped that smirk of his face. First he warned Sizemore to stop talking to his friend, then he had him removed. The he chewed out Sizemore’s attorney for being late saying, “Here in Kern County we expect you to be on time.” Whatever. From my experience they want everybody there at 8:00 a.m. so they can hurry up and wait all damn day. I don’t know why they get so pissed when people are late knowing that there’s a freakin’ train track between the parking lot and the courthouse.

It’s kind of hard to dodge a train.

Recycle for Real

Photographic proof that Bakersfield is behind the times when it comes to recycling. This is a recycling container on the corner in Ventura.

I wonder how many years it’ll be before see something like this here.

You know you're from Bakersfield...

Here's a blog post getting a lot of action over at bakersfield.com. Everybody seems to have their own "You know your from Bakersfield" joke.

Funny thing is, I don't get aboout half of them.

Favorite New Search String

Something tells me this dude must have been disappointed with my blog.

Crazy

Okay, I think it's a little strange to buy a fake pet, but I'm sorry, you got to be really OUT THERE to buy one of these.

Notice they're out of stock? Oh geez.

Favorite New Search String

I thought this search string was strange. Then I discovered it had it's own theme song.

Favorite New Website

Thanks to Jeff for the heads up on this one.

I think he wants me dead.

My son emailed this video to me this morning.

It actually caused me to pee a little.

Eeewww!

This is some sort of a specimen cup I spotted sitting on top of a mail box the other day. Lord knows what's in it. I mean, really, isn't there a better way to transport a specimen?

I'm Outta Here!

You may have noticed I’ve been blogging like a man woman lately. That’s because I love you guys and I felt bad for not blogging for a long time. No really! Alright, it’s also because sometimes I just can’t think of anything to say, but clearly I’ve gotten over that hang up, if only momentarily. I tell you all this so you’ll understand why I most definitely will not be blogging this weekend. I’m going out of town. In fact – I’m going to the beach! (And no, this is not an open invitation to come rob my house. I will, in fact, have a house sitter. A very big, mean, hairy house sitter - so you just stay away!)

I’m going to Ventura for the weekend to celebrate my new friend’s upcoming graduation from LAW SCHOOL! How awesome is that? I now have a friend that’s (almost) a lawyer so all you people out there who don’t like my blog – you can suck it, cuz I have a friend who’s a lawyer, so watch out. (Actually, I have two friends who are lawyers. Hi Chris!)

Anywho – I’ll be taking pictures of my journey, so hang tight through the weekend and you shall be rewarded come Monday morning.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Aren't we lucky!

The police pursuit that caused a car accident which resulted in the death of Daniel Dawson was ruled to have been within departmental and state policy guidelines. Oh, and that sheriff who accidentally shot a minister in the back while he sat at an intersection on his motorcycle, that wasn’t the sheriff's fault either. In fact, I can only think of one incident in the past three years where an officer was found to be a fault for injuring and/or killing an innocent bystander.

We must have the best cops in the state!

Rappers Delight

My clock radio went off the other day and the song playing was Rappers Delight. As I lay there listening to the song one line really stood out to me.

so you bust out the door while its still closed
still sick from the food you ate
and then you run to the store for quick relief
from a bottle of kaopectate

And thought, man! Rap music sure has changed.

Willsey the Weasel

The lawyer who was drunk, hopped up on drugs, carrying a sawed off shot gun, and killed a sheriff’s deputy has filed a claim against the county of Kern. Daniel Willsey claims the county owes him for “numerous broken bones and internal injuries, loss of his vehicle and damage to his career and reputation.” He also claims the accident was not his fault. He believes it was the sober sheriff’s deputy who is to blame.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, Daniel’s brother Steven Willsey, has also filed a claim against the county. Another attorney, Burke Willsey filed the claims on behalf of the two men. (Willsey...that name sounds familiar…) According to the paper, when a reporter called the attorney to question him about the claim he said, “The claims speak for themselves” then he hung up on him.

Clearly these Willsey’s have not been paying attention to the news from Bakersfield. The last people you want to piss off in this town are law enforcement and the media. He

Favorite New Search String

Why oh why? Would anyone be searching for this?

Favorite New Blog Post

Everything you never wanted to know about diseased corn.

Favorite line? "..smells like corn that forgot to wipe."

Enjoy!

And if you enjoy that, check out all of the "Steve, Don't Eat It!" posts here.

(Not recommended for after lunch.)

An Actual Conversation I Just Had

Customer Service Operator – “Hello! Thank you for calling (insert name of business), my name is (insert any name), how may I be of assistance to you today?”

Me – “Yeah, I’d like to cancel my membership please.”

C.S.O. – “Uh, yeah, uh…. we… um...uh…we don’t got. We are unable to do that at this present time. Our operations is out, and we uh… umm…. you gotta call back in a cuppla hours cuz we are not able to help you with that at this present time cuz our computers is out.”

Me – “Okaay.”

C.S.O. – “Is there any other way I may be of assistance to you today?”

Me – “Uh, no. I sincerely don’t think so.”

What up Dawg?

A local family is suing the Bakersfield City School District after they were told their son and his helper dog are not welcome at school. (Sounds very Mary Had a Little Lamb doesn’t it?) The funny thing is the boy went to Thorner Elementary and the dog's name is Thor! I don’t see why they couldn’t just make the dog their mascot and call it day.

The boy uses the dog to help with his autism. His parents say the difference the dog has been remarkable. Unfortunately too many people still associate service animals only with the blind. According to the Delta Society, these animals can be trained to help people with spinal cord/head trauma (injury, stroke), visual or hearing deficits, arthritis, ataxia/poor balance, multiple sclerosis, cerebral palsy, muscular dystrophy, spina bifida, seizure disorders, cardio/pulmonary disease, Arteriovascular disease (primary or secondary to diabetes, etc.), and psychiatric disabilities just to name a few.

Maybe it’s time for the Bakersfield City School District to start educating themselves.

Is that wrong?

When Paul was little whenever he would say or do something intensely cute I used to tell him I loved him so much I was going to eat him with a spoon, and he would say, “No mama, no ea me wit a poon!” Then I would slobber all over him with kisses. He’s too big and hairy to do that now.

So tell me, is there something wrong with me that when I see this picture the first thing I think of is I want to gobble on that little face?

Basically what I’m saying is that puppy is so cute I want to eat it. Does that make sense?

Please, Excuse Me.

I don’t know if this is the reason or not, but something is going on with my (air quotes) “system.” I’ve been reading up on priobiotics recently and I happened to come across some at Lassen’s yesterday so I purchased a bottle to go along with my other supplements. This morning I took my first one. Since then I’ve gone pee about twenty times and I’ve been putt-putt-putting around like a motorboat all damn day.

It’s a good thing I have my own office.

Favorite New Website

What's funner than weird?

More 70s Memories

Remember those crazy stickers that used to come in MAD Magazine? Here's a few more.

Bead for Life

Thanks to my friend in San Diego, I just learned about the Bead for Life organization. I just ordered two necklaces. I’d love to see this idea spread. Now you men out there can’t say you don’t know what to get your wife.

What woman isn’t going to love the idea of helping other women across the world?

A Lovely Meal

I had the pleasure of dining with JR of Illpressed fame last Friday. We keep on trying to have sushi but our efforts continue to be thwarted one way or another, so we finally just went to Mama Roomba’s. Not that Mama Roomba is a place to be settled for. I love it and I was thrilled to learn it was Jesse’s first time. We sat outside because it was a beautiful day and immediately ordered mojitos.

Jesse didn’t care for it as much as I did because he said he was worried about getting green mint leaves caught in his teeth. He’s very priggish like that.

They had a special that night of seared scallops, so of course we ordered it. It was excellent.

I also insisted on ordering all my other favorites - like the ceviche. I love those little hard corn things. What are those called, do you know?

And, of course, my other favorites – sweet potato fries, and corn & cheese empanadas. Yum!

Despite the fact that Jesse was cheating on his diet and I was starving, we still didn’t manage to eat it all. Perhaps that was because were too busy talking.

Thanks Jesse! I had fun!!

Waist High's Home Away From Home

Back in the Good ol' Days

Outrageous

I about had a heart attack when I saw the front of the paper today. Right smack in the middle is a picture of a couple of teenagers in front of a giant truck. According to the article, the truck was purchased for the boy at a price of $60,000. It uses $1,000 worth of gas every month.

If you don’t see something wrong with this I don’t want to talk to you.

Favorite New Search String

They just found Vincent Brothers guilty a couple of hours ago and already someone is looking for him to skip town.

Because Norma asked....

I had a very nice Mother’s Day. My son gave a beautiful card and a pepper mill and salt shaker set. I’ve always wanted some of those. After church we went to my parent’s house where I warmed up the Baked Ziti I made the day before. (It came out really good.) My brother and his family and my sister and her family were also there, which was nice since I haven’t seen my sister in months. After dinner we ended up sitting around looking at old pictures and reminiscing.

I’m blessed to not only have a great mother, but a great family as well.

Guilty

Vincent Brothers has been found guilty of murdering his family.

Growing up in The 70's.

I watched a show about Evel Knievel on the history channel last week. He is one crazy dude, as I’ve said before. During the show they showed a kid playing with his Evel Knievel action figure and its motorcycle. I remember watching boys play with those and being jealous. I wanted to jump the motorcycle too. I also wanted a Six-Million Dollar Man doll and a Big Wheel, but I never got them. How come the boys got all the cool toys?

I was talking to a friend about all this and of course it turned into a conversation about all things having to do with growing up in the 70’s. Like that crazy show H.R. Pufnstuf – a dragon with a nutty hill billy accent. Personally I found him to be sort of creepy. Of course I thought Capt Kangaroo was creepy too.

Then my friend asked me if I remembered Uncle Woody’s Toy Circus and his afternoon TV show. I had forgotten all about it. I did remember that it burned down. That was sad. Apparently Uncle Woody is still around.

Another friend mentioned the slip n slide recently. The idea was to run and dive face first onto a wet sheet of plastic, causing you to slide across the surface. More often than not I’d do a belly flop and just end up having the wind knocked out of me. If I did manage to slip ‘n slide I would usually just keep going and end up with grass stains on my face. I’m happy to see they finally made an improvement on that idea.

Why were the toys in the 70’s so dangerous? Remember Klackers? That was really more of a weapon. And the Lemon Twist. I can’t tell you how many times I limped home from school after bashing that damn lemon into my ankle over and over again. I guess I wasn’t very coordinated.

Another toy I remember wanting but never getting was a Baby Alive. I don’t know why I would want a plastic doll that eats and poops. I think it was because I had a friend who had a one. That fake baby poop was actually pretty nasty. I'm surprised to see they’re still making them. Same with Shrinky Dinks.

Another thing I miss from the 70s is the Wide World of Sports. I loved the theme song and watching that skier wipe out. Remember what the narrator said? “Spanning the globe to bring you the constant variety of sport… the thrill of victory… and the agony of defeat… the human drama of athletic competition… this is ABC's Wide World of Sports!” And Howard Cosell! I miss his annoying voice.

I know there’s more out that I forgot, so tell me...what toys, shows, or what have you do you remember and miss from the 70s?

Help

I have writers block. Big time. Anybody out there have any suggestions?

This is driving me crazy.

Favorite New Website

Here are a couple of ways to stop junk mail. I don't know about you, but junk mail drives me crazy. There is a way to stop it.

Learn how here. Or sign up for greendimes and they'll stop it for you. And plant a tree!

Catching up

I’m not not blogging because I don’t want to. And I’m not not blogging because I have nothing to blog about. I’m not blogging because I am a very, very, busy person with a lot of important things to do. Like, do my job. And planning a special Mother’s Day. And driving around in circles wasting gas.

But, for those you (yes, I’m talking about the two of you) who don’t live in Bake Town and don’t know what’s doing on, here’s a brief re-cap of recent news. (A.K.A. News Nips.) (Not that kind of nips.)

*****

Some famous actor dude was arrested in Bakersfield recently after getting into a fight with the desk clerk at the Four Points Sheraton and asking him if he would like to “take it outside.” Very eighth grade of him. Tom Sizemore was found in his car tweeked out on meth and was promptly arrested.

I guess Taft’s favorite pastime is starting to catch on.

*****

Closing arguments started in the Brothers’ trail and the case should go to the jury soon. There was more excitement this week when the judge suddenly stopped the trial, spoke to the jury and ended up excusing one. Now the news is all “Can he get a fair trail now that the only black juror is gone?” Like having that one black juror is the difference between life and death.

That’s not saying much for the other juror’s competency.

*****

A bunch of little kids got the bloody runs this week, probably from some food they ate. A few of them had to be hospitalized. Looks like a strain of E. coli has found its way out of the spinach patch. The health department has said that no eating establishments or specific foods which is a little frightening. I guess that means that until they figure it out we can assume just about every thing could possibly be contaminated.

Great time to go on a diet.

*****

A man was killed last weekend at a Cinco de Mayo celebration. Luis Garcia was shot several times in the chest after a fight broke out at the Mercado Latino. The shooter is still at large.

I guess nothing says “Happy Cinco” quite like a drunken brawl.

F.Y.I.

If you like to look at hot, naked ladies you need to be sure you drive down Chester Ave tomorrow between 12:00 and 1:00. A model will be standing out there wearing nothing but a smile. Oh, and "Wear your own skin" sign. P.E.T.A. is back. I believe this is the third time we've had a naked P.E.T.A rep in town.

Frankly, I think they're just doing it so people don't think they're a bunch of crazy whacks.

Favorite New Search String

I knew this blog title would attract some wierdos.

I just didn't realize it would be so many.

Seriously, if they itch that bad you need to see a doctor.

Rant

A couple thousand freshmen in Bakersfield are sweating like crazy right about now. Last night district trustees voted unanimously to hold kids back who don’t complete their 9^th grade requirements. Before now, there were no requirements to move from one grade to the next. Does that sound crazy to anybody else besides me?

I’ve been wondering for a long time how a kid can get all the way to high school and not be able to read or do basic math. How the hell did they get out of grade school? There’s a lot of talk about our kids graduating from high school without some very basic skills, but that doesn’t make sense to me. Shouldn’t they have those basic skills BEFORE they get to high school? How are the teachers supposed to teach the higher level classes if the kids can’t read?

I guess there is some stigma to holding children back. I personally don’t get it because I was held back in the third grade. If fact, I was famous for being the girl who got held back. It didn’t bother me. Of course, I didn’t get held back because I didn’t pass. My parents chose to have me repeat the third grade because I was very young and very small. Very, very small. The other kids carried me around like a doll. The school and the district didn’t want to let me repeat the third grade and my parents had to fight them to make it happen, but I’m glad they did. If they hadn’t held me back I think I would have done as well in school as I did. Largely because I met my best friend Flo and she was smart (Still is. Dr. Flo)

I just can’t believe the first district to start doing something about children failing is the high school district. When are the elementary schools going to step up and stop this nonsense?

Planning Ahead

Greater Bakersfield Vision 2020 is asking for the public’s input. Over the next few weeks several meetings are planned to allow local residents to share what they think should be done with our city’s future. I went online and took the survey, and to be honest, I had trouble with the first question. It asked what I thought were Great Bakersfield’s top three strengths. I couldn’t come up with three. I did, however, have no trouble coming up with my top three weaknesses.

According to the paper the last time the city plan was edited was back in 2002. The people involved with the plan were, “a sparse collection of environmentalists, developers, and ‘smart growth’ leaders.” Local politicians approved the plan creating urban sprawl, traffic congestion, and decreased air quality. Nice works guys.

Let’s hope the next plan will be a better one.

Graffiti

Taggers these days just keep getting younger and younger.

Wondering

A twenty-one year old pregnant Bakersfield woman recently decided to jump from her truck while it was still moving. She said she was feeling stressed.

Hasn’t she ever heard of yoga?

*****

An inmate recently escaped from the minimum Taft Correctional Institution Satellite Camp. The 25 year old man was sevring a 10 year sentence, “for conspiracy to distribute marijuana. He has no prior criminal record and is not considered armed and dangerous.”

My question is, why the heck was he serving 10 years?

Having a bad air day?

I had several people over the past couple of days ask me if heard the news about Bakersfield having the third worst air in the nation. *yawn* That’s news? To who? According the American Lung Association’s newest list, the top three cities with the worst air are Los Angeles, Pittsburgh, and Bakersfield. The thing that I find interesting is that Bakersfield still manages to come in third despite the fact that we have a much smaller population.

Excuse me, I need to go hack up a lung.

Another Brothers's Brother

Oooo! The Vincent Brothers’ trial just got more interesting. Last week Brothers testified that he was with his brother Troy during the time of the murders. The prosecution immediately subpoenaed Troy, catching him as he was about to grab a plane out of town. He was expected to appear this week, but he didn’t show up. Now a judge has issued an arrest warrant for Troy Brothers.

There is definitely something going on with those Brothers’ brothers. Vincent can’t stop sleeping with women who are not his wife, Melvin can’t seem to tell the truth, and Troy disappears after being subpoenaed.

And where are all the Brothers’ sistas?

Why my nuts itch.

I found this little survey thing from another website. It sounded interesting, so I decided to give it a try. Scroll down to see the results. Attention: The Gender Genie needs your help. In order to continue improvements to the site, please take a few minutes to complete our demographic survey. Your participation is much appreciated. Thanks! Inspired by an article and a test in The New York Times Magazine, the Gender Genie uses a simplified version of an algorithm developed by Moshe Koppel, Bar-Ilan University in Israel, and Shlomo Argamon, Illinois Institute of Technology, to predict the gender of an author. Read more at BookBlog, The New York Times, and The Guardian. Scroll down for your results...
Original: In 1971, the edge of the universe, for me, was located just beyond the corner of Akers and Planz. My house was on a tiny cul-de-sac in a small town surrounded by dirt fields and farm land. I was four years old. I remember playing with my brother and sister, the little girl my mom babysat who almost drowned in our pool, and collecting penny toads at the sump. But my clearest, most vivid, and life altering memory is of the time a monkey attacked me in the backyard. My siblings and I spent most of our summer days outside. My mother would literally tell us to "go outside and play" then lock the door behind us so she could get her housework done. The evenings were usually spent together, around the table, and then, either reading or watching whatever my father deemed worthy of viewing. Most of the time we read. On special occasions, he would BBQ hamburgers and we would sit at the picnic table under the patio and eat juicy, cheesy burgers and drink Pepsi. One evening, after preparing my burger (with Miracle Whip and sweet pickle chips) I sat down at the table to enjoy my meal while the rest of my family constructed their burgers inside. I was the youngest, which is probably why I was served first. As I was swinging my boney legs beneath the bench, feeling the warm tightness of my skin in the sun, and enjoying the first bites of burger - I was suddenly startled by a frightening sight. A Spider Monkey came flying (Wizard of Oz style) over the fence and leaped onto the table RIGHT IN FRONT ME. Baring his tiny, sharp teeth, he began screeching and clawing his boney little fingers at me. Let us all pause for a moment to take in how COMPLETELY terrifying and OUT OF THE NORM this experience would be FOR ANYONE - let alone for a little girl living in small town Bakersfield. Needless to say, I totally freaked out! I ran into the house and slammed shut the sliding glass door. By this time, with me sobbing uncontrollably, my family joined me at the window. The monkey proceeded to consume my burger, clenched in his tiny, furry fists, while continuing to shriek at us all gawking at him through the window. Now, I know this sounds awful, and crazy, and surreal, but trust me, it gets worse. After devouring my homemade, yummy, BBQd cheeseburger, this animal, THIS BEAST, then began to jump and claw and scratch at the sliding glass door behind which my family and I had taken refuge. He basically tried to attack us – begging for more food. That creature went ballistic. I don't remember how it was all resolved. I guess I blocked most of it out of my memory. But I do know it had something to do with our nearby neighbors "The Mears" of racecar fame. I was left scared. I spent most of my childhood afraid of the "mean monkeys in the closet" and caused my sister (who is seven years older) many hours of headache over my nightmares. To this day, I cannot watch the Wizard of Oz with out wiggin' out.	Keywords: in 1971 [the] edge of [the] universe for [me] [was] located just beyond [the] corner of akers [and] planz my house [was] on [a] tiny cul-de-sac in [a] small town surrounded by dirt fields [and] farm land i [was] four years old i remember playing [with] my brother [and] sister [the] little girl my mom babysat [who] almost drowned in our pool [and] collecting penny toads [at] [the] sump but my clearest most vivid [and] life altering memory [is] of [the] time [a] monkey attacked [me] in [the] backyard my siblings [and] i spent most of our summer days outside my mother would literally tell us [to] go outside [and] play then lock [the] door behind us so [she] could get [her] housework done [the] evenings were usually spent together [around] [the] table [and] then either reading or watching whatever my father deemed worthy of viewing most of [the] time [we] read on special occasions he would bbq hamburgers [and] [we] would sit [at] [the] picnic table under [the] patio [and] eat juicy cheesy burgers [and] drink pepsi one evening after preparing my burger [with] miracle whip [and] sweet pickle chips i sat down [at] [the] table [to] enjoy my meal while [the] rest of my family constructed their burgers inside i [was] [the] youngest which [is] probably why i [was] served first [as] i [was] swinging my boney legs beneath [the] bench feeling [the] warm tightness of my skin in [the] sun [and] enjoying [the] first bites of burger i [was] suddenly startled by [a] frightening sight [a] spider monkey came flying wizard of oz style over [the] fence [and] leaped onto [the] table right in front [me] baring his tiny sharp teeth he began screeching [and] clawing his boney little fingers [at] [me] let us all pause for [a] moment [to] take in how completely terrifying [and] out of [the] norm this experience would [be] for anyone let alone for [a] little girl living in small town bakersfield needless [to] say i totally freaked out i ran into [the] house [and] slammed shut [the] sliding glass door by this time [with] [me] sobbing uncontrollably my family joined [me] [at] [the] window [the] monkey proceeded [to] consume my burger clenched in his tiny furry fists while continuing [to] shriek [at] us all gawking [at] him through [the] window now i know this sounds awful [and] crazy [and] surreal but trust [me] [it] gets worse after devouring my homemade yummy bbqd cheeseburger this animal this beast then began [to] jump [and] claw [and] scratch [at] [the] sliding glass door behind which my family [and] i had taken refuge he basically tried [to] attack us – begging for [more] food that creature went ballistic i do [not] remember how [it] [was] all resolved i guess i blocked most of [it] out of my memory but i do know [it] had something [to] do [with] our nearby neighbors [the] mears of racecar fame i [was] left scared i spent most of my childhood afraid of [the] mean monkeys in [the] closet [and] caused my sister [who] [is] seven years older [many] hours of headache over my nightmares [to] this day i cannot watch [the] wizard of oz [with] out wiggin out
Words: 537 (NOTE: The genie works best on texts of more than 500 words.) Female Score: 464 Male Score: 532 The Gender Genie thinks the author of this passage is: male!

Tarps and Trips to LA

I drove to LA last weekend to pick up some furniture. I took a jillion pictures on the way there and back, but I realized they’re probably not that interesting to anybody else besides me. Still, I figured I took the damn pictures, I may as well post some of them. I don’t seem to be posting much of anything else.

I wish the grapevine always looked green like this. I like it much better than the yellow-orange color it is the other 11 months of the year.

I’ve been trying to for a long time to get a good picture of the “air” you can see as you return home down the grapevine. It’s not easy to get a good picture when you’re driving a stick shift at 80 mph, talking on your cell phone, and adjusting the radio, and applying lipstick. (Okay – I wasn’t really doing that last part.)

I thought this one turned out okay.

The trip to LA turned out to be quite eventful. It was rainy and stormy on and off all day, but we managed to get to Ikea fairly quickly. I have never been to Ikea before. That place is crazy. From there we went to Santa Monica to pick up the furniture from West Elm. That was accomplished easily enough; the only problem was it was starting to rain pretty hard. The furniture mover guy suggested we get a plastic tarp to cover the boxes. But, not wanting to get all caught up in the LA traffic, we decided to drive to Valencia first. The whole way there it was raining like crazy. We spotted a paint store and headed towards it, but it was closed so my friend ran into a Ralph’s while I waited. She returned with a roll of clear, thin plastic and some rope. As we struggled to cover the boxes in the wind and rain, a very nice man walked by and asked how far we were going to be traveling. When we told him Bakersfield he said, “Oh, that’s not going to work. You need something heavier. That will tear right off.” We realized as he spoke he was right.

Next we headed to a Wal-Mart. Let me just add here that it was an emergency, other wise there’s no way in hell I’d shop at Wal-Mart. (My apologies to fans of Wal-Mart. *gag*) Once again I waited while my friend went inside. Ten years later when she finally emerged she shared the saga of her shopping experience at Wal-Mart, while we again struggled to cover the boxes with the thicker tarp. It wasn’t raining as hard by this time, but it was still wet and cold and our progress was slow. Its not easy to secure a tarp over a bunch of heavy boxes in the rain. Especially when you’ve never done it before. The whole thing reminded me of an episode of Laverne and Shirley. First the rope became hopelessly knotted. Then my friend started to secure one side while I did the other. I think we were actually working against each other. Of course the ridiculousness of the whole situation didn’t escape us. We stopped several times to laugh and make fun of ourselves. What would take most people a few minutes took us a full hour. We did a good job though. That tarp did not move one inch all the way home to Bakersfield.

Of course, by then it had stopped raining completely.