Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Chuck talks Cat

I had lunch with Chuck today cuz he’s a lazy bum and didn’t go to work. While we were eating my cat suddenly jumped on the table without a sound and landed in front of us. “Man, you’re cat’s stealth!” Chuck said. “She’s always just appearing out of nowhere. It kinda freaks me out. I like her though. She’s a good cat.”

That’s when Chuck began a rant on his old roommate’s cats. A friend he used to live with had two cats, Roz and Karen. According to Chuck they are meanest, stupidest, clumsiest cats in the world. And they weighed about a hundred pounds each. I nearly wet my pants laughing while he told me about his experience living with the animals. “Those cats hate everybody” he exclaimed, “They even hate each other. They are awful, awful, awful.”

Next Chuck told me he had to apologize for what he is about to say and that he really would never wish any harm on any animal, BUT! “If I could, I would grab a little .22 hand gun, take those cats outside in the yard and put a bullet in each one of their heads. Pop! Pop!”

When I was finally able to breathe again I told Chuck through my laughter that he could just take the cats to the SPCA. “You don’t have to shoot them execution style.” That’s when we both lost it and started to get silly. Chuck said he kind of liked Karen better than Roz, and Karen hated Roz, so he would off Roz first so Karen could have one little moment of happiness, then kill her too. At least she'd die happy.

Suddenly I remembered the stray cat that has been driving me crazy lately. It keeps coming around making these awful meowing/yowling/growling sounds. Plus, it’s all mangy and crazy looking and I think it wants to mate with my cat. Eww.

“You know what that is?” Chuck asked. “That's the feline equivalent of a man going ‘OOOOOWWWWWW’ ‘OOOOOOWWWWW’ I’m hungry. I’m sick. I have no home! Somebody put a bullet in my head.”