Car shopping in hell.

Yesterday I went car shopping with Chuck. He’s been driving around in a beat up old truck with no air conditioning, and the heat was starting to affect his brain. The other day he was about to buy a 1986 BMW that has been sitting in his neighbor’s garage for two years. It took me an hour to talk him down. This time Chuck called me around 10 o’clock and said, “I want to buy a car today and I was wondering if you would come pick me up and go with me to keep from doing something stupid.” I agreed.

When I arrived at his house he had already earmarked a few potential car lots he had found in camera ads. The first one we went to was on east Truxtun, not far from the homeless shelter. The mobile home, which served as an office, had several signs posted across front boasting things like “We tote the note” and “We sell to ANYONE” and “We don’t ask questions and neither should you.” Seriously sketchy. Not one ‘salesman’ came out to harass, I mean, help us as we wandered the lot. I don’t think they had any. After a brief tour, Chuck decided there was a Saturn that looked promising and we entered the office to inquire about the car. When we walked in we saw a kid in an office playing some sort of Simpson’s game on a computer and a man on the customer side of a counter. The kid didn’t even bother to look up. The man, on the other hand, looked right at us and said, “He’s not here. He’ll be back soon.” Uh, okay. I was quite happy to be outta there.

Chuck, on the other hand, had apparently suddenly developed a love affair with that Saturn. He was not going to let her slip through his fingers. I reminded him about asking me to come along so he wouldn’t do anything stupid and he stared back at me defiantly. We went to Super Taco across the street for some super tacos and a talk. Chuck was convinced that the Saturn held the key to his future happiness and I said it might be a good car, but that he shouldn’t get his hopes up. I don’t think they sell cars on lots like that UNLESS there is something wrong with them. Chuck would not be swayed so we returned to the lot thirty minutes later looking for the missing man running the show.

When we entered every thing was exactly as it was before. The kid would not be bothered and the man was very anxious to help. “He’s back,” he said immediately, “He’s right outside.” We then asked the man if he worked here and he said no and that Pedro was working on his truck. “I’ll go get him” he offered helpfully. Then we walked behind the counter and out the back door. “What kind of operation is this?” I asked Chuck. He just shrugged.

Pedro came in, shook hands with Chuck and they proceeded to talk business. I wandered away looking for that kid and wondering what Simpson’s game he was playing. “Let’s go” Chuck said, “I’m going to test drive that car.”

As we stood in the heat in the shade of the building, Pedro maneuvered several cars to squeeze that Saturn out of the quagmire it was in. “You just had to pick the car that was surrounded by all the other cars, didn’t you?” I chided Chuck. “He’s not going to be able to get that thing out of there.” I was wrong. The Saturn was indeed finally untangled from the other cars, and we took off down the road.

“Okay, first of all,” I asked Chuck, “Don’t you hear that noise?” “That’s just a belt slipping” he said. “I don’t care what it is, cars are not supposed to make noises like that” I reminded him. “And second of all, what’s with this A/C? It’s not getting cold” I said desperately. “In fact, I think it’s getting hotter” I cried, “Turn it off! It’s killing me!”

Quickly I rolled down my window I stuck my head out, gasping for air. “If you want a car so you can have an A/C, this is NOT the car to buy” I told Chuck. By this time Chuck had turned beet red, both from the heat and from my heckling. Looking at the disappointment on his face, I burst into laughter. The whole situation was just so ridiculous, I couldn’t help it. I could not stop laughing. And when Chuck said he couldn’t find the lot to return the car, it made me laugh even harder. I must have laughed for ten minutes straight. I’m pretty sure Chuck wanted to kill me. He parked the car in front of the office, got out and said, “Let’s go. I’m not even going to bother to return the key.”

On the way home I tried to comfort Chuck by reminding him of how much it sucks to have a car payment, and what a bitch it is to maintain a car and stuff. It wasn’t working. “Okay then,” I said. “Let’s go to another car lot in a less seedy part of town and see if we can’t find something.” Chuck agreed and we headed to Oak St and pulled into a lot right by John’s Burgers.

As I began to scour the lot for a Toyota or a Honda, a ‘salesman’ came out to greet us. He looked like he had just been released from prison and hadn’t bathed since then, but he was friendly and he introduced himself as Ed. While Ed talked to Chuck I wandered away again (I tend to wander a lot) and found a nice looking, blue, four-door, Toyota Tercel in the corner of the lot. “Hey – look at this one!” I called to Chuck. He and Ed walked over and began to examine the car. Chuck grew more excited the more he looked and it wasn’t long before we were walking into the office to talk to ‘the man’ about taking it for a test drive. We were introduced to the owner of the lot, a very friendly man named Frank. Frank had a very warm demeanor about him and I liked him right away. I was feeling much better about his car lot than I had the other.

Ed pulled the Toyota out for us and Chuck and I hopped in. We headed down Chester Lane and turned right on Oleander. I pointed out to Chuck that the car wasn’t making any strange noises and, more importantly, the A/C was happily spewing cool air. “I know!” Chuck said excitedly, “This feels great!” As we cruised around we talked again about the pros and cons of car ownership. “You really shouldn’t buy a car just because you want an A/C” I reminded him, “You only need the A/C for a few months every year.” Chuck wasn’t listening. He was too busy enjoying the cold air blasting into his face. “I’m thrilled,” he said with a completely straight face, “I know you can’t tell, but I am. I’m thrilled.” I busted up laughing again.

In the end Chuck bought the car and everyone lived happily ever after.