Friday, March 09, 2007

Bakersfield Idiots.

I came across something rather interesting this morning. Bakersfield, the city itself, apparently garners definition by some people. Or at least the people who like to use Urban Dictionary. After reading the posts it made me wonder, how would Los Angeles be defined? You know what I found out? It isn’t defined yet. So hey, at least Bakersfield beat LA on this one. In your face LA!

Here is my response, as a person who was born and raised in Bakersfield, to the twelve definers.


#1 – With a population of nearly a half million, it is the third largest inland city in California. God knows why, it's a pretty horrible place, with summer (late May-late October) temperatures averaging in the high 90s and air quality that can practically disable you. Winter is short and usually doesn't get colder than 50 degrees in the daytime.

Meth is as easily found as soda machines and getting drunk at parties in the middle of fields is a common Friday night activity.

Housing used to be dirt-cheap, but as of recently it's increased drastically. Statistics show that every single day 10 people from LA move into

Ridiculously, there is only one real shopping mall (
Valley Plaza) so at any given time it is too crowded to take a breath.

Much of the population are Mexicans that hop the border and invade town then clog the streets protesting their "deserved rights" when they are not even citizens.

Areas of town are sort of defined by the high schools: South High (southside), East High (eastside) {don't walk the streets at night because you WILL get stabbed by a mexican gang}, North High (north) {A.K.A. Oildale- which isn't a city in itself, just a name for the trailer park/white trash part of town], West High (west) {if you want to get shot, eat at a taco bell}, Ridgeview High {out in the middle of f**king nowhere}. Then there are the snobby, rich schools around the Northwest/Southwest part of the city such as Centennial High,
Liberty High, and Stockdale High. Liberty is home to the hottest, most shallow kids in the whole city. If you're not good-looking, you're invisible.

Friday night high school football games rule many kids' lives. If you're not a jock, then you're going to be pretty fucking bored and will resort to devoting your life to the "hXc!" music scene. (Scene kids in
Bakersfield are known to be pretentious jerks.) You will spend your every waking moment in the sweaty, roach-infested basement of Jerry's Pizza watching shitty local bands lose their voices.

Summer's started.. Looks like we won't be stepping foot outside for the next five months. Bring me a Bud Light and a pack of Camels!

kid 1 "I just moved to
Bakersfield. Do you know where I can score some ice?"
kid 2 "Dude, just stand at a corner and someone will come up to you and ask you to buy."

The first piece is obviously written by a teen aged girl. Lines like “Ridiculously, there is only one real shopping mall” kind of give it away. (And we have two malls!!) I would also venture to guess that she is a student at Liberty High School, currently unsatisfied with her social rank, and totally prejudiced against Mexicans for some reason. (By the way, its best to save the brackets for math class.)


#2 – Why trust air you can't see? The unbearable heat during the day adds to deliquency society as people prefer midnight outings and cow-tipping. From gang members to cowboys you will see a variety of "culture" The armpit of California is home to cheap living, suburbia mixed with random farms, and drastically changing geographics every year, as (for some reason) people keep moving there.

I’m confused from the beginning with this one. Aren’t we NOT supposed to see the air? And has she seen the air in Bakersfield? It’s pretty nasty looking.


#3 – Yes, it's hot. It can suck. However, its what you make of it. Either way, we still have a pretty bad reputation as a glorified hick-ville...

My friend & I during a random roadtrip to Aspen, CO:

random boy at a bar: hey, where are you girls from?
random boy: you girls here for the bachlorette party?
us: uhm, no. we're visiting friends. who would come all
the way from
cali to get married?
random boy: would you rather get married in aspen or vegas?
my friend: well, i would get married in vegas.
random boy: YOU MUST BE FROM

How the hell he pulled that out of his ass when all he had was the entire CA I'll never know.

I dunno, that’s just funny.


#4 – a really s*** place where the air is as clean and pure as paris Hilton bakersfield. why bother?

I think he may have the new city motto, other than that, its just dumb.


#5 – city in central california. frankly, it is mierably boring. its a giant field with buildings. yuck. bakersfield is boring.

Quite frankly, I find Random boring, so it seems to me Bakersfield is the perfect place for him.


# 6 – The CA city also known as "Bako" (or better spelled "Bake-o") in reference to its typically hot temperatures, the proximity to producing oil fields (which is an in-joke for oil barons), and the predictable uber-presence of barbecue, bacon bits, and Mexican food, often served up to country-western and/or mariachi-norteno music.

While visiting Bako, try "the tri" -- which is loca lspeak for tri-tip, a beef cut that is (of course) barbecued.

Ie've been driving for ages -- are we in Bakersfield yet?

I hardly think “Bake-O” is famous for its tri-tip. Basque food maybe. And I have never in my life heard someone say “try the tri.” (Why you gotta go dissing on the bacon bits man?)


#7 – The Hell(boredom)hole KoRn hailed from In Bakersfield if you were not a jock, then you're screwed with boredm

If I was not a jock then I’m screwed? Don’t these people grow up?


# 8 – Didn’t you already post this?? And by the way, “The land Bakersfield occupies used to be a barren, desert-like field?” Actually it used to be wet, swampy, river basin stupid.


#9 – A place where people from hell come. Also a place people like to bash by putting definitions like this in their profile. But really, it is that bad....this place f***in sucks....

This person is clearly bi-polar.


#10 - A horrible place filled with illegal immigrants and dirty minorities that are doing the United states no good. Bakersfield is full of wetbacks and dead-beats

This person is clearly a racist. Me? I love me a good Mexican. mmm mmm!


#11 - Where delionns('08 ers)come from. Bakersfield is for lovers.

This person is clearly from Oildale, loves it there, and doesn’t know how to spell.


#12 - where crips kick it from the cbc im a country boy crip in Bakersfield

Okay Mike. That’s great. I’ll come visit you in prison.


So, how would you define Bakersfield?