Bovine Burps would be a good name for a band.

The breaking news on bakersfield.com today is cows burps are more harmful to the environment than their poops. Thanks to Frank Mitloehner and his “bovine bubble” Bako will soon be surrounded by miles of piles. Don’t be surprised if you find a couple flaming pies on your door step Frank. Special delivery courtesy of Bake Town.

I’m sure there are some benefits to having so many diaries around. My mother’s rose bushes will enjoy the boost of nutrients, and I do love my milk. Plus, I’m sure it’ll provide jobs for some of those millions of people moving here in the future. And let’s face it – cows are cute. Real cows I mean. Not fake cows. I know person who has her home covered in cows. It’s frightening.

Still, I wish the flower growing industry would move in, or the nursery industry. Any industry that plants nice things that smell good.

Any industry that DOESN’T make Bakersfield look like more of a hick town THAN EVER!

You're Fired!

A few of you may remember this post I did back in the early days introducing you to my “editor.” Lately I’ve been noticing him slacking off, but I said nothing. Today however, it has come to attention that a mistake was missed that is so glaring I have no choice but to let my editor go. What I am paying you for? Thanks to Bakotopia I found out I had written T-shit instead of T- shirt. I’m so sorry!

On a side note, I thought this was hilarious.... When Bakotopia asked me what size shirt I wanted I requested a medium. When they saw on my blog that the shirt was no where my size so I gave it to my son, the kind people at Bakotopia offered to send me an XL to replace it. Apparently they think I’m as big as a house. The medium was even a little big on my son and he’s HUGE. I think the small would still be too big for me. I weigh about 110 lbs. Bako – an XL would drag on the ground if I tried to wear it.

Thanks for the offer though.

Technorati

I found this cool new website yesterday. Check it out.

I love this.

My son came home from school yesterday with a letter from his new English teacher. His old English teacher got a different job and bailed mid-year. I want to share just a small portion of the letter with y'all.

"I retired from teaching at BHS in the summer of 2003 after the summer school session, but when Mr. Reese asked me to teach two of the GATE English classes, I responded with alacrity." Alacrity? Uh, yeah, this dude is an English teacher all right.

Any of you Drillers want to guess who the teacher is?

Props

This is for Flo...Apparently (she says), Evidently (I say), I am in need of some interaction. (We actually used to laugh at that "joke" for hours. N ow you know what it's like to grow up in Bakersfield.)

Thus, The Bake Town Blog was born. Thanks to the encouragement of the women who suggested it to me (directly and indirectly) in the first place. This site owes most of its inspiration to my delightfully, intelligent, worldly, persistent and yummy, yummy, sexy friend - Amy in NY. Y'all seriously need to pay attention to her NY Travel website. She KNOWS what she is talking about people. Trust me - I've been there (and she lives there.)

Nonetheless, if it was not for Waist High's vulgar, delightful, and Bakersfieldian reminiscent humor I would have never have found the courage to blog my first post. Waist High - I love you. Bitch.

Cheers ladies. ROCK ON!

p.s. Amy, in her ultimate wisdom, has given me another totally cool project idea which I will tell y'all about as soon as you start sending in your Bako nicknames. Come people - work with me here.

Bake rrrrr ???

Photo © Felix Adamo

All this talk about Bako, Bakotopia, Bake Town and such lately got me to thinkin'. Bakersfield has plenty of nicknames, most of which are derogatory – Bakerspatch and Backwardsfield for example. I think it’d be fun to compile a list of the nicknames y’all know and love - the good and the bad. Please email to baketownblog@hotmail.com and I will post the results at a later date.

Thanks in advance for your participation.

Bakotopia Rules!

The fruit of my loins consented to model the T-shirt as long
as he could remain anonymous. (He HATES it when I call
him that.)

I got my Bakotopia T-shirt in the mail today. Unfortunately for me it is no where near my size. Fortunately for Bakotopia it fit my son perfectly and since he wears a T-shirt everyday to school, it’s more appropriate that he have it. I also got some very cool stickers. One had some hot looking chicks on it, so I gave that to him also. I’m a good mom like that.

And by the way, I understand that Bakotopia is sorta in competition with Craig’s List, which is huge and widely admired. Nevertheless, I have to say, I think Bakotopia has a much better design and a more engaging layout than its predecessor. Nice work Bako.

Thanks again to Bakotopia and best of luck with your endeavors.

The Accidental Blogger

I received a very sweet email from a former Fieldian today (hi CSH!) who told me she stumbled across the blog somehow. Joe Nobody (hi Joe!) told me the same thing a long time ago. That got me thinking – so I did a little research.

If someone googles a search on “Bakersfield”, Bake Town is so low on the hit list it turns to magma. (Sorry, just trying to think of something really low.) Here’s a bit of trivia for JR - Bakersfield Ill News is number 220. If someone googles a search on “Bakersfield blog”, Bake Town is number 78. SEVENTY EIGHT? Waist High is number three! That’s right. One, Two, THREE!!! I hate that bitch. Even Amy in NY is higher - and she's on the other side of the freakin' continent.

I have come to the conclusion that this is a crime against humanity. Some thing must be done people – but what? I’m sure this will shock all of you, but I’m really not that technologically savy. I know the blog looks like it was professionally developed by the great Geek Wizard of Technological Gizmodom, but I’m telling ya, it’s all me. My feeble mind has been stretched to its absolute limits. I need help.

Waist High you seem to be at the top of the blog list. Who’d you sleep with at google to make that happen?

Redneck Pride

I couldn’t help but find some humor in the article today about a man who “says he shot (a) well-known elk for food.” Found near the remains of the elk were Natural Light cans and peanut shells. I thought it was even funnier when I read the report of a man who led Sheriffs in a brief car chase. His name is Johnny Cash, from Oildale. But I had to laugh out loud when I read the letter in the Opinion section from a man claiming the term Redneck is “not derogatory.” He encourages the big city folks moving to Bako to “embrace” the Redneck’s “friendly and kind style.”

This link is dedicated to him.

Bake Break

It looks like Bake Town has officially been discovered. N.L. Belardes, author of several novels, has linked me to his website. How cool is that? Even cooler is finding out about his book, Lords – Part One. I mentioned the whole Lords of Bakersfield thing a long time ago, but I never heard back from anyone. It’s a lot of reading, but it is a very interesting story.

Welcome Mr. Belardes to the Bake Town family. I added a link to his web site titled Bake Lit. Check it out!

Bakersfield, Why live anywhere else?

I found another Bakersfield community website called EverythingBakersfield. It's one of those basic informational type web sites. The logo on the top of the page reads "Bakersfield, Why live anywhere else?" After clicking on the "Entertainment Central" link I found another link that says "Ideas Of Things to do." Here are ideas on the list.

Why not check out our local museums?
Catch a Movie?
Go to the Park?
Adopt a Pet?
Join a Church?
Look up Events by location.
Check out a local sports league?
Go to a Restaurant or the Races?
Check out a Theatre or an Event auditorium?

Adopt a pet?? ADOPT A PET? Join a Church? Are these things past times now? Cuz if that's the best they can come up with for stuff to do in Bakersfield, I think they may have answered their own question.

No one will replace you (hopefully)

Johnny Carson after just delivering another joke about Bakersfield.

Johnny Carson was a very funny man and the world is sad to see him go - except for a few people in Bakersfield that is. It is in large part thanks to Johnny's frequent jokes about our fair city that it has the reputation of being a hick town. Apparently Johnny got his start here back when it really was a hick town, so it's not surprising that he had that impression. That and the fact that the people here didn't really get his jokes. sigh. There are two articles in the paper today talking about Johnny's jokes and his time here.

So, it is in Johnny's memory that I include this link for y'all to enjoy. In honor of the town Johnny loved to hate.

What's up?

The Gods took pity on Bake Town yesterday. For one day, one day only, it was beautiful. A friend and I decided to soak up as much sun (and liquor) as possible, so we headed out to THE Marketplace. Apparently no body else in town had the same idea, because we had the patio at Que Pasa to ourselves. I felt just like a lizard on a rock, sunning myself contentedly across from the fountain. We ordered two Cadillac margaritas and two fish tacos and then proceeded to make fun of people walking by. We didn’t intend to make fun of the people, but it’s just so hard not to when they dress like that!

Anyway, the fish tacos were good but according to my friend they were not even close to as good as mine. We started talking about getting rich selling my fish tacos but then the second round of margaritas arrived and all intelligent conversation came to a screeching halt. We realized it was time to go when my friend leaned her head down to sip her drink and came back up with the straw stuck in her hair and margarita juice dripping down into her face. I laughed so hard I nearly wet myself. Just thinking about it now is making me laugh again. Seriously, I was howling.

We caused such a scene people walking by stopped to make fun of us.

eeeeeewwwwww

I don't know how or why this happened but somebody did a search for "south Salvadorian naked young girls pics" and my site was number two on the hit list.

I am now thoroughly disgusted.

Getting down & dirty

I made it out for the second night in a row. Woo hoo! It’s like I’m 21 all over again. The Filthies totally rocked and I had a blast dancing my skinny, little, white fanny off.

I highly recommend you do the same immediately.

It's us against them.

I went to the farmers market this morning to buy some fresh organic fruit. I love going to the farmers market, but I usually forget about it until Sunday morning, and it’s only open on Saturday.

So, I took my camera and thought maybe I’d take some pics of the lovely Montgomery Ward parking lot while I shopped. I got there a little late, so I picked up a cantaloupe and pear and headed to the check out. I had put the pear into a plastic bag, thinking I was going to buy several, so I felt a little silly having just one pear in a bag. As I sat my produce down on the table the woman reached for her roll of plastic grocery bags. “I don’t need a bag” I told her. She ignored me as she placed the cantaloupe into a bag. I said nothing. She then proceeded to take the pear – the one pear which was already in a plastic bag – and place IT into ANOTHER PLASTIC BAG! I almost lost it. “I DO NOT NEED ANOTHER BAG!” I said oh so politely. To which she replied, “Well I don’t want your pear to get smashed by the cantaloupe.” I was so irritated I left with out taking a picture.

I have come to the conclusion that the end of the world is going to come as a result of us all being buried alive under a massive blanket of plastic bags. For some reason people don’t feel like an item has actually been purchased unless it is placed inside a plastic bag. It’s maddening. And then of course, some people argue that they use the bags – that they’re handy to have around. Sure, a couple of plastic bags may be successfully utilized, but do we all need 10,000 of them? I suggest that the answer is no.

So I’m asking you all to join me in my war against the plastic bags. When you walk into a drug store to buy a tube of toothpaste and the cashier immediately begins to place it into a plastic bag – just say no.

The world will be a better place because of you.

Silly, quirky nature

I feel so much better about myself today. I was starting to think I was weak of mind and spirit with the way I’ve been complaining about the cold, gray skies. It turns out I am not alone. Aha! On the front page of the local section is a big picture with the caption “Anyone seen the sun?” The corresponding article explains how a simple little quirk of nature is to blame. According to the article, “the southern valley is basically a bowl” and the air here is “dirtier, colder and smellier.”

I’m surprised they didn’t just go ahead and call it a toilet bowl.

Livin' in Bakotopia!

Now I feel bad for saying I don't know if this serves any useful purpose or not. Of course it does! Look what this nice man had to say...

Thanks for trying out the brand new Bakotopia.com, and also linking to us from your Blog! You said that you don't know exactly what we're about, so I'll make it easy and send you to our About Us section: http://www.bakotopia.com/home/pages/aboutus.htm

Here's the short version. Bakotopia is an online community whose sole purpose is to help local Bako people hook up for all kinds of reasons -- whether it's to buy or sell something, find a date, find someone to share an activity with, find a ride, etc. We're offering this as a free community service. Because we just launched last week, there aren't a lot of posts there yet, but with help from you and other local folks we're sure that it will grow.

Feel free to send other people our way. We just launched and we still have 48 more t-shirts to give away!

Regards,
Dan Pacheco
Bakotopia.com

Pretty cool, huh? I think this means I GET A T-SHIRT! I GET A T-SHIRT!! Woo hoo!
Pacheco, huh? As in Road? Any connection?

p.s. So you think I should try and get a date or is that just pathetic?

New Find

I just found this by accident and I don't know if it really serves any useful purpose, but I liked the T-shirt and I'm gonna see if I can get one.

Weekend update

I was going to go out of town for the weekend. The forecast in the paper showed five days of gray clouds and I was hoping to remind myself of what a sunny day looked like. But then I noticed the headline “Caltrans aims for I-5 fixes by Monday” and realized heading over the grapevine right now may not be the best idea. Then I got to work and saw this article, which made me rethink my plans all over again. If Monday is going to be the worst day ever, shouldn’t I try to lessen the blow by having a good weekend?

After many hours of deliberation I have come to the conclusion that another visit to Bill Lee’s would be sufficient to improve my attitude. A couple of those Mai Tais and the world becomes a more beautiful place. Tomorrow night I plan on going to see The Flithies. I know absolutely nothing about the band, but I dig the name and since that’s also the way I pick my ponies, I figured it’s worth a shot. Which reminds me… I used the same logic to boycott another local band. They call themselves Throat Shot. cough

Looking for stuff to do to keep my mind off of the fact that I will be remaining in town, I learned (thanks to JR) that The Pervs and The Needles are playing at Narducci’s. I like Narducci’s. It’s a good venue to see a band, the bar is cool, old-school style, and the drinks are strong and cheap (Bako style.) I will have to remember to be careful, however, because the BPD are going to be setting up a sobriety checkpoint tonight.

p.s. Scroll down to the post from Wednesday, January 12, 2005 that begins "and now a quick update from our very own fashion guru/shaman..." for a good laugh. This will only be funny to people who knew me in my former life.