The Bake Board

© The Blackboard

The Blackboard - Bakersfield’s very own underground, free press guide to news, arts, culture, and happening events, has a new website address. It is full of insightful articles and interesting perspectives.

This is the place where cool people go in Bako.

A man and his car

Speaking of the C.S.O.B, here’s a blog by a Bakersfield man and his adventures with his $200 Tercel. There's bound to be something funny in this one.

Joe's Short List

All right! We got ourselves another Top Ten Places to go in Bakersfield. Well, sort of. I wouldn’t know Joe Nobody if I ran into him on the street with my car, but I get the feeling he hasn’t been around here much lately, so he was only able to come up with five. I should boycott the whole thing for being such a lameo, but he seems like a nice guy so I’ll make an exception.

1. The Pantry on Brundage. Good cheap biscuits and gravy without the Zingo's trucker chic. (B.T. Note – he actually said “The Panty” but figured he’s not really that big of a perv and fixed the typo. Let me know if I'm wrong Joe.)

2. The Bluffs. A view only a person from Bakersfield can love.

3. Smiths Bakery’s. It's all about the Beehive. (B.T. Note – I think he’s talking about the pastry, not the hair-do’s of the women behind the counter. Again, let me know if I'm out of line.)

4. The Silver Fox. Because the Padre is closed.

5. The Kern River Canyon. Cool, fun and dangerous.

Keep Bakersfield Beautiful

I’ve added a new link to the Bake-N-Bits called Bake Beauty. I’ve done some work with the Keep Bakersfield Beautiful committee in the past. As a matter of fact, see the pictures of the KCSOS kids painting over the graffiti? They weren’t the only people there. I painted over several walls myself that day and ruined my favorite pair of overalls in the process. It was worth it. I had a great time and enjoyed my visit to the Chiropractor the next day.

I bring all this up now because I received an email today asking for volunteers for an upcoming project. Here’s the email:

The City of Bakersfield is looking for exuberant volunteers to plant trees on Saturday February 12 and 26, between the hours of 8:00 a.m. and 12 p.m.

These plantings will benefit the senior citizens of the Kern City.

If you are Interested in participating in one of these events or even future events, please contact Paul Graham at 326-3147 or via E-mail at pgraham@ci.bakersfield.ca.us

I encourage any of you with the time and the interest to sign up. It really is a lot of fun, and you’ll feel better about yourself and our community.

If you don’t want to volunteer you can….go hug a tree.

Free lunch? I'm there!

www.bakotopia.com

Check this out! Mr. Dan Pacehco of Bakotopia fame sent me an email saying, “I'm spending some time doing some outreach with important members of the Bako community, and I was wondering if you would allow me to treat you to lunch or dinner to get your thoughts about some stuff.” What the? When I read the words “important members” I couldn’t help looking around my room wondering if he was talking to me. A free meal and talk about Bako? This is definitely the Bakersfield I’VE always wanted.

So there Waist High! You may be #3 – but who’s taking you to lunch tomorrow? Huh? That’s what I thought.

C.S.O.B

A few months ago I had an idea for a new “feature” on Bake Town. We all know and love the song “The Streets of Bakersfield” but what about the cars on the streets of Bakersfield? The “C.S.O.B” if you will.

I first got the idea when I saw a huge primer gray pick-up truck barreling down the road (in front of a hospital) with the word “Redneck” printed proudly in big letters across the top of the front windshield. If you look very closely, the truck in the picture above has the words “Crazy Ass Cracker” across the back window.

Of course, crackers and rednecks are not the only people in town with cars of note. (By the way, I realize a truck is not a car, but Vehicles of the Streets of Bakersfield doesn’t have much of ring to it, so get over it already.) I saw a lowered Monte Carlo painted with purple sparkly paint driving down the road on tiny little tires that looked like they were about to give out from the strain. The license plate read (I kid you not) “HOMMIE.” Dude! I want that car!

If you see any cars around town you think we should hear about please email me. I think this is going to be fun.

Hail to the Chief!

I think all of you will be VERY happy to learn a brave soul has decided to step forward for the betterment of her fellow readers, and become Bake Town’s new editor. Yeah! Hopefully this means I will no longer sound dyslexic, hormonal, emotionally imbalanced and badly dressed.

Be aware, however, this does not mean you will be deprived of enjoying my many mistakes. It just means that I have a very intelligent, devoted and FABOULUS woman who has agreed to inform me of my mistakes. On the blog, that is.

Once she has informed me, I will do my best to make the necessary corrections. Keeping work & family obligations in mind AND crappy internet connections, I am hoping to be able to make improvements daily.

If this arrangement is not acceptable to you, I suggest you are a sick, sad person and need to take up a hobby. Such as…blogging, maybe?

I think we ALL owe a round of applause to my new “Editor in Chief.” Who else could it be but Flo? My one and only ST-ENDS.

G's Spots

I must say… I am loving the fact that I held out on publishing my own Top Ten list. After hearing and remembering your ideas I am beginning to reshape my own.

Here’s another one, from my ol’ college buddy – G.

G's Top Ten Local Establishments (Old and Current mixed)

10) Roller Towne
9) Straw Hat Pizza on Wilson Rd
8) The Jolly Roger Restaurant (Valley Plaza)
7) La Petit Cafe + Goldfish "ponds" outside (ValleyPlaza)
6) The Jump, The Ramp, The Hill, The Dump, et. al.(insert favorite dirt field, high school drinking spot here)
5) The VIP Lounge
4) The old, wooden, dark CSUB pub.
3) Mannequin's
2) The Alley Cat (pre-1995, Mon. nights preferably)
1) The Padre

Bake Town Note – great list, would LOVE to comment but must go to bed.
Hats off to G. Well done

A day in the life of a few Bakersfieldians.

Going to Target. Typical truck in the parking lot.


In-N-Out for lunch.


Baseball practice. My nephew, my son and the sky.


Same picture. More sky.


Taking a break, watching a family chase a dragonfly kite around the park.


Having a Mai Tai at Bill Lee’s.


Someone at a birthday party hits the numbers on Keno.


Ran into the father of a friend of ours.


The bartender does a magic trick.


The VERY SAME dollar I just saw him poke a hole through WITH MY VERY OWN EYES!


Is it any wonder we love it here?

Flo's Top Ten - The Old & The New

My top ten. I have mixed together old and existing places. Since I have not lived there in almost ten years I am not familiar with the newer places. These are in no particular order.

1. Stine School (met my best friend there.)

2. West High School (made many of my great friends there, and learned to drink with the best of 'em.)

3. Little Herbie's Pizza (only the really old timers probably remember this, but it was the best!)

4. Cal State Bakersfield (go ahead and laugh, but I got a couple of degrees and made many good friends there--many of whom were hotty swimmers.)

5. Roller Town (is that what it was called?--spent many a junior high evening there, and met many a cute boy. Bake Town met a boy that looked like Ralph Macchio.)

6. Vidal's (many great memories with the Fearsome Foursome and orange California Coolers here.)

7. Alley Cat (old Alley Cat was the best.)

8. Lyon's (the only late night place to go after the bars had closed.)

9. The Fun Factory circa 1980-1982 (I used to stop by there on my way home from Junior High everyday--it had Tempest, the best video game ever.)

10. Mannequins (JUMPING TRAINS!!! and remember Tommy and Eddie?)


(Bake Town Note - I made no comments or adjustments, because as usual, Flo is perfect.)

Think Good Thoughts

It is Sunday, so I thought a sermon is in order (see post below.) However, now that I have stepped down off the pulpit, I will be gone for the rest of the day. It is a beautiful, sunny day and I am going to go one of my favorite Top Ten places in Bakersfield - Target. After that I will be playing baseball in the park with my son.

While I do these things, I think I will feel sorry for all the people who don’t get to live in Bakersfield today. And send out good thoughts to those that miss it.

I’m afraid of the bad man.

I’ve been hearing a lot of people talking about craigslist coming to town. It’s coming to town! It’s coming to town! Being a dumb hick from Backwardsfield, I didn’t know if I should be excited or afraid. Sure, I’d seen craigslist before, and I’d used craigslist before. Big deal. I didn’t call up all my friends and say “Guess what I just did!”

I decided to do to a little investigating, so I went to the rants and raves. I was really surprised to see how fired up people get in their desire to put down Bakersfield and the people who live here. Geez. One guy’s post was so full of venom and hate, you’d think the city stole his puppy. He even put Bako down for not having a skyscraper. I’m sorry – is that requirement for being a good city?

The whole thing kind of freaked me out. I mean, there are certain cities that I don’t care for. There are certain cities I would not like it live in. But I have never felt so passionate in my hatred for a CITY that I would take the time to write about it. We can’t all be Santa Barbara. Sure, there were plenty of people defending Bako; I added a comment of my own. But I don’t think I want to go back there. I’m afraid of the bad man.

Here’s the first and last comment I posted on craigslist;

Bakersfield is not the greatest place in the world to live. But it also isn’t the worst. Happiness is not found in a location. It is created inside of a person. Sure it’s fun and it’s easy to make fun of Bakersfield. Sometimes it’s hard not to – I do it too. There truly are some awful things that need to be addressed. But these are not the things that make this city less desirable than others. It is the people, both local and afar, and their desire to put down and tear down others.

If you live here and you think it sucks, do something about it to make it better. Get involved. Pay attention! Do something besides add to the problem with your bad attitude. Or at least MOVE! If you don’t live here and you think it sucks, shut up about it already. Why are you still talking? Why do you care? You don’t live here. Only people from Bako should be allowed to say anything bad about Bako.

There are many people happy in Bakersfield. And there are many unhappy ones too. Just like every other city in the world. It’s really not that complicated.

One last thing…As far as I’m concerned, Bakersfield’s greatest asset is its people. The people here are real. And the friendships you make last forever.

Top 10 - Past & Present

Look what I found...Another list! You see, in the past, if you did not post a comment with a registered “name” I did not receive an email notice. This means, if I am not diligent enough and do not keep accurate enough records, the chances are good your comment will go unnoticed. Unless, of course, you post the same comment over and over again – then it’s kinda hard to ignore. I’m calling this “Ms. Shy Anon’s List.” Cuz if it is a guy, he should at least have the balls to cough up some initials. That’s what I think. It could’ve been worse. I could’ve called her Miss or Mrs. (shudder)

Although I make fun, Ms. Anon does present an interesting idea. Perhaps project #2. Project #1 – Favorite places that actually still exist. (We’ll have to make allowances for Waist High, but its okay. You’ll get used to it.) Project #2 – Favorite places that no longer exist. Or at least not in the way they did “back in the day.” Oooo – this is going to be SO FUN! At maybe I can actually get Amy in on this one.

Here are “Ms. Shy Anon’s Lists” In no particular order...

Past-

1. The Padre (B.T. Note – Hopefully someday we can put this back on the present list.)

2. Mannequins (B.T. Note - I saw Toad there - what a cool show.)

3. Prospero's (B.T. Note - ohmagawd (insert sound of Homer Simpson drooling) The BEST sandwiches in the whole wide world.)

4. Chaos Coffee (B.T. Note – yeah…had fun there.)

5. The Alley Cat (c. early 90's) (B.T. Note – back before it turned into a HELL HOLE!)

6. Shakey's (not Sharkey's) (B.T. Note – hey… I liked Sharkey’s, but yeah, the pizza is good.)

7. The Blackboard (c. 1950's) (B.T. Note – huh??)

8. Vidal's (B.T. Note – oh-no-you-DID-nt just say that to me!)

9. Goose Loonies (hot wings and microbrew) (B.T. Note – Lamb Gyros and very slow service.)

10. Happy Steak (I needed a 10th) (B.T. Note – What the?? Never heard of it. Do you mean Happy Jack’s?)

Present -

1. Urrichio's (B.T. Note – yup. Can’t argue with that. Plus, it's downtown.)

2. Brinks Deli (B.T. Note – Yeah, good. I just never go there. I don’t know why.)

3. Joseph's (B.T. Note – I love and wish I had room to put it on my Downtown Top Ten. Perhaps I need to revise.)

4. Cafe' Med (B.T. Note – Overpriced, inconsistent, but can be fun for a change.)

5. The Fox (B.T. Note – Friday night Flics are Fun.)

6. Dagney's (B.T. Note – Best locally owned coffee place in town.)

7. Maxwell's (B.T. Note – I have never eaten there! I don’t know why.)

8. The Silver Fox (B.T. Note – This where Terry, the bartender from the Padre moved to. The crowd moved with him.)

9. Gumbeaux (B.T. Note – As a restaurant – hell no. Over priced, REALLY inconsistent and the service is bad. But as a place to go and drink and watch live music after 9 – it’s cool.)

10. 24th Street Café (B.T. Note – This place is almost too well liked, if that is possible.)

HaloScan... and other Holy Scans?

I changed my whole “comment” thing cuz Waist High asked me to and I love and adore her. (whispering…I’m afraid she’ll beat me up.) So please comment freely and often to let me know what you think. If you don’t like it and I don’t like it, I will tell W.H. to stick it! In your ear - with a can o’ beer!

(whispering loudly…Rick, I don’t really wanna, Rick – Rick - Rick!)

Bakersfield’s Top Ten Places to Go - Noveltown's List

1. Centennial Garden: Hockey games, hockey and hockey and a hot dog. I’ve been playing a long time, and this is the fastest paced game there is. The hits are brutal, the fights are brutal, even the fans are brutal—very Bakersfield. I swear that I was mentioned early in the season regarding the Las Vegas Wranglers in The Las Vegas Sun because of ‘catcalls from the stands’ harassing one Billy Tibbetts—wah wah. Anyway, it’s a great time, and last night was bobblehead night—how fun is that? Almost 8000 fans at the game—where else can you see that many people in one place in Bakersfield sort of getting along?

2. Josephs: I agree—I eat there a lot. It’s quaint, the food is delish—try the gnocchi.

3. John’s Burgers: Big burgers, a hell of a lot of fries. Yum. My doctor gets mad when I go there.

4. Kern River Path: Go take a walk. See a real roadrunner, a cottontail bunny, whooping cranes, egrets, lizards, and nice people. Very different from most of Bakersfield. Don’t eat the tumbleweeds.

5. Dagneys Coffee: Within ten minutes walk from my office in downtown Bako. I can always go in, see someone I know and have a friendly debate.

6. Thai Garden: Great Potstickers! And a spicy chicken lunch special to die for.

7. China Garden: Super yum potstickers and the rest is good too. Rub Buddha’s fat belly on your way out.

8. India Spice: Go have a Samosa and naan. Dude—it’s freakin’ good. Add rice and lentils and you have a full meal.

9. Downtown Joes: The only place in town I know you can get pear cider on draft. Ok—I like the girly beer—sorry. Doc says I can only have them once in a while anyway.

10. Sno Shack: I know, it’s winter….but in the summertime…. Oh yummmers.

posted by noveltown : 4:13 PM

Rained Out

My son is all excited about going out for baseball at BHS. When he came home from school yesterday he insisted I immediately take him to Copeland’s for his gear. I told him I couldn’t go anywhere cuz I was a mess and needed to get ready. “This is Bakersfield” he responded, “No body cares.” I couldn’t argue with that logic. I gave West a wave as we cruised by.

My son woke me up at four 4 A.M. today. He hasn’t done that since he was four years old. We were supposed to meet up my nephew who played baseball and my friend who coached softball to have a little fun practice. Unfortunately it rained most of the morning and every thing is soaked. He wanted to play anyway, and my son rarely is this gung-ho about baseball (cuz that’s what I’m gung-ho about) so I really hated to let him down. Instead I rented The Bad News Bears and I brought out my baby bat and wiffle ball. We played in the living room while we watched the movie. Tomorrow hopefully we’ll make it to the park.

Tonight I’m going to Benji’s. Benji’s (for those of you who don’t know) is another great Basque restaurant in Bakersfield. I did a post about the Basque a long time ago. I think Benji’s has the best Basque food in town. Much better than Wool Growers. Wool Growers is fun for the crowd and the scene, but when it comes to food, Benji’s has it. After dinner I’ll probably come home, read and go to bed. I’m going to church in the morning. Pick your jaw up off the floor…. I’m a good girl I am. Besides, I live in Bakersfield and that's what people here do.

I have a few (a lot) more Bakersfield yesteryear stories to share, so I’ll try to get one out tonight and I’m still waiting for more Top 10 lists. The point of this project is to get INPUT.

b.t.w. If you’re looking for a new full-time job, I’m looking to hire a new editor. The pay isn’t good and neither are the benefits so….Crap. Never mind.

Waist High's Top Ten List

#1 - West High School. circa 1986. 'Nuff said.

#2. Mexicali West. There are three in town.
One on the east side, one on the west side, and
one downtown. The food is consistantly great
at all three.

#3. Amestoy's - Frank Amestoy himself poses
with W.H. This is a bar on River Blvd well
known for its strong, cheap drinks.

#4. Joesph's is located in central Bakersfield near
the old Montgomery Ward. It is everything you'd
expect a local, family owned, Italian resturant
to be. Great place.

#5. Gutherie's Alley Cat. The above picture was
obviously taken a long time ago. It appears as
if a conversation is taking place.

# 7. Dewar's - For a Black & White. Yummy.

#8. Mr. Tibbs Ribs. This is a view of the smoker
in the parking lot. I have to agree, this is some
of the best BBQ anywhere (which I why I think
they should cater the reunion.)

Sorry we don't have pictures for the last two...

#9. Wool Growers. World famous Basque resturant. The food is good, but the bar is better.

#10. In-N-Out on Panaman Lane. I have to agree that they have the best burgers in the world, but why not got to the one on Stockdale Hwy??

So, there you have it. Nice work Waist Hight. I'm still waiting for the rest of you to send me your lists. They don't have to have pictures!

Things change

photo © The Waist High Collection

It’s been raining most of the day and I’ve been watching it through the window while I blog my butt off. I thought I should try and get some laundry done so I don’t have to wear the same dirty pants all weekend. As I reached under the bed to gather a stray sock you are not going to believe what I found. I found my 1983 West High Valhalla YEARBOOK. The VERY SAME yearbook Waist High is so joyously embracing in the above photo. Coincidence? I think not. This just happens to be the worst yearbook EVER made. It’s ugly, there are ink spots across all of the senior pictures and it has more spelling errors than this blog!

A Bake Town reader and class of ’96 alumni from Atlanta sent me an email asking if maybe we didn’t have some of the same teachers. Mr. Vettel? Mr. Drath? Mr. Gabbitas? Mr. Switzer? (Espanol). Ms. Ellis? (Counselor). Mr. Zimet? (Physics). Yup – I had a few of those. Mr. Gabbitas was my “On Your Own” teacher and I was sitting in his class watching TV when the space shuttle blew up. I sat right next to Brian Adams and he was really cute and I got to marry him. We used to tell creepy stories about Mr. Vettel and say he shot heroin, but we really shouldn’t talk bad about him cuz I think he passed away (or is he just sick?) and he really was a great teacher. Mr. Drath was crazy awesome and I’ll never forget his bug-eyed stares. Oh yeah… I did have Mr. Switzer. I don’t remember him much cuz I think Flo had that class with me.

Finally, my new friend in Atlanta also told me this…Back in 1996, “we didn't call it Waste High.”

That thud you just heard was W.H. falling off her chair.

Generations

Flo will be happy to learn I taught our “thing” to my son and he loves it as much as we do. I can’t remember whose quote this is, but it must be read aloud with a very southern accent.

“I was born on the freeway between Visalia and Bakersfield. I was raised on a mayonnaise farm. When I was seven my brother ran over me with the backhoe. Sparks commenced and my face caught on fire. My daddy ran off of the porch and put it out with a rake. That’s why I look the way I do. When I was 18, I joined the ROTC for no f***ing reason.”

mmm...Mor mens

I can’t believe I forgot to mention this before! Flo dated one of those hot Mormons from Highland and we liked to call him Stormin’ Norman the Mormon from Gorman. We never got sick of calling them that. I also dated a couple of hot Mormons, and one of them was the one and only bad boy Mormon who was in a band and wrote a song for me.

Anybody else miss The Examples?

Giving the tough answers.

Here are the answers to all the questions troubling Waist High and causing her to toss and turn at night:

1.Has anyone ever successfully fried an egg on the street?

The answer is yes. Personally, I prefer to use the hood of my car. Less gravel.

2.Were 'M' and I the only ones who would throw every last poolside lava rock into the swimming pool and have contests to see who could collect the most?

The answer is yes. You were obviously a very strange child. Flo and I would pretend to be runway models and prance down the diving board.

3.Why was everyone obsessed in junior high with wearing 'Southside Liquor' t-shirts?

Because Southside Liquor’s was new and it was cool to let everyone know it was your favorite place to purchase beer and cigarettes.

4.Who was the first idiot to decide that it would be a good idea to spray Raid on marijuana? First idiot to smoke it? First idiot to then try to market it as 'Raid Bud'?

I’m afraid I can not answer this question. I have no idea what you are talking about.

5.What was the true identity of 'Boy Paul'? Vidal's #1 club kid?

I know the person who can answer this question, but it will have to come at a later date. However, I thought DaVid was the #1 club kid at Vidal’s.

6.Precisely why was our high school really nicknamed 'Waste High'?

Because so many West High students liked to stand next to Patriots Park drinking schaffers and smoking.

7.Why has the old Zody's building sat empty for like 20 years?

My understanding (based entirely on unsubstantiated comments) is that Zody’s entered into a long, long-term lease with the landowner and Zody’s, or whoever acquired its assets, is still paying rent to the landowner. Essentially, the space is rented. It’s just that the tenant is choosing not to operate from that site – and no one can force them to do so. The landowner isn’t motivated to get someone else in the space, since it is getting top dollar.

8.Why were all the Mormon guys from Highland High so hot?

Because they were Mormon and God had blessed them with all his Glory because had shared their testimony and found the spirit of the Lord, Amen.

9.Does it not seem like Ed Jagels has been the DA since the dawn of man?

It does seem that way, but it's not quite true. He was, in fact, originally appointed by Colonel Baker himself, so yeah, he’s been around a while.

There you go Waist High. I hope you can sleep better tonight. Anyone else have any questions they need answered? I’d be happy to help.

Asking the tough questions

It appears I have been given yet another assignment. I haven’t finished with the last one yet, but I think I’m going to move this project to the top of the list. These questions are too pressing to be ignored one minute longer. The questions are (as quoted by Waist High):

1. Has anyone ever successfully fried an egg on the street?

2. Were 'M' and I the only ones who would throw every last poolside lava rock into the swimming pool and have contests to see who could collect the most?

3. Why was everyone obsessed in junior high with wearing 'Southside Liquor' t-shirts?

4. Who was the first idiot to decide that it would be a good idea to spray Raid on marijuana? First idiot to smoke it? First idiot to then try to market it as 'Raid Bud'?

5. What was the true identity of 'Boy Paul'? Vidal's #1 club kid?

6. Precisely why was our high school really nicknamed 'Waste High'?

7. Why has the old Zody's building sat empty for like 20 years?

8. Why were all the Mormon guys from Highland High so hot?

9. Does it not seem like Ed Jagels has been the DA since the dawn of man?

I already know the answers to some of these questions and I’m going to devote the rest of my day researching the answers to the rest.

May I just add - question #8….truer words have never been spoken.

Typical

There is an article in today’s paper talking about how there is WATER in the RIVER!

Memory Lane

I grew up in South West Bakersfield. We lived in one of the few neighborhoods that didn’t have a wall and a name. Behind my house was Thompson Jr. High School, and behind it was the edge of the universe. Dirt fields, farmland, and tumbleweeds. There were so many tumbleweeds we made forts out of them. These were big forts. I remember my favorite – it was a 2 story, 3 bedroom, 1 ½ bath wonder.

We were poor. Apparently having three kids and a mortgage can cause a financial strain for some people. Especially with a stay at home mom. My mom was, is, and always will be the quintessential mother of all time. June Cleaver had nothing compared to my mom. To describe how great my mom is, I would have to start a whole other blog. Thanks to my mother’s greatness, I had no idea we were poor. When I got my very own box of Cheese Nips for Christmas – a box I didn’t have to share with ANYONE – I was overjoyed.

We had several dogs over the years. None of them lasted very long. I had the misfortune of watching our Cockapoo, Snuffy, get hit by a car when I was about 3 years old. We also had a big, white with black spots, mutt dog named Barney. He liked to hunt. He would bring home rabbits and other items he had found. One time he brought home the leg of a lamb – hoof and all. The best find that Barney made however, was a shirt. It was a nice shirt and it fit my brother perfectly so he wore it to school and had his picture taken in it.

We lived on a cul-de-sack with just three houses on it. The house in the middle had a desert landscape instead of grass, complete with various types of cacti, rocks, sand, and lizards. One time I was running (cuz I used to run a lot – and I was fast!) in my new red, patent-leather boots, and I slipped and fell on a cactus and all of those long pokey things stuck into my leg - through the boot! I didn’t like that house.

A Mexican-Irish family lived in the other house. He was Irish and she was Mexican, but she had the red hair. He built a plane in his garage and I used to go over and watch him. She grew all kinds of exotic plants and had an aviary full of birds. Her house was full of good smells and interesting things to look at and I used to knock on her door and ask for something to eat. I liked that house.

My parents lived in that house on that cul-de-sac for 25 years. When they sold it I cried and cried and begged them not to. I drive by it sometimes. The Mexican-Irish family still live there and I still knock on the door and ask for something to eat.

That’s why I love Bakersfield.

Round Two

Yes, yes…I knew Flo would come back to bite me on the bottom with this one. She is, was, and always will be, my BE - FRI to her ST - ENDS. And yet - think about... Flo has been my Best Friend since the Sixth Grade at Stine School. If I make Molly Mormon look like a crack whore, Flo MUST have made Mary Poppins look like a fake tittied, Hollywood, homeless, one eyed, glue sniffing, transsexual, runaway, prostitute.

DO NOT BE FOOLED.

p.s. Yeah, yeah. That photo of me looking adorably 80’s and sober SOME HOW, found it’s way into the Waist High “collection.” Methinks something is amiss.

Weather Update

Oh yeah... now I remember.

I forgot to mention we had some rain yesterday. As a result, today is a beautiful day and I am going to go run around outside in my bare feet.

How's the weather in Portland?

Best in the West

Yes. That is a D.P. in my hand.

Let me get this straight... According to Waist High, if I write more posts about my time in High School, talk more about drinking bad liquor and add more pictures of my crazy hair and juvenile delinquency, I might someday become as famous as she? I’m afraid I can’t do that. You see, I may have attended West High in the 80’s, but unlike W.H, I never did anything wrong. Bake Town was pure of mind, body and spirit throughout her teenage years. I made Molly Mormon look like a crack whore. My academic excellence was unparalleled and to this day my popularity is referenced within its hallowed halls.

Sigh.. I guess I’ll just have to be content with my unfortunate circumstance.

Roll with it

My soon to be homeless ex-editor told me he was TRYING to get fired so he can collect unemployment because I am behind in payroll. What a loser. Start clicking on the ads and maybe I’d have some pay to roll with sucka.

Best Places in Downtown Bakersfield

photo courtsey of http://www.sjvls.org/

My number one favorite place in Bakersfield is downtown. I love the trees. I love the houses. I love that I can stagger home safely on the weekends. So I decided to do a Top Ten of Downtown. Here they are in no particular order. Number One on the list would have been The Padre, but since IT’S STILL CLOSED (sob) I’ll just post the picture.

1. Mexicali
2. Bill Lee’s
3. KC’s Steak House
4. The Wine Seller
5. The Fox Theater
6. PJ’s Nite Club
7. 24th Street Café
8. The Silver Fox
9. The Mint
10. Dagny’s

Get back to work!

Here’s the idea. I don’t know how to do all the fancy techno stuff, so instead we’ll do this Bake Town style. What are your Top Ten Places of Our City? I am to waiting to post my list until I have a photo of each place. I encourage each of you to either email me or comment with your very own Top Ten Places list.

I think we all know what will be #1 on Waist High’s list.

Oh yeah...

So much trash talk from Oregon! If one were to do a Google search for Bakersfield Blog, sure they might come across Waist High of Portland. But I predict that within a matter of days, Bake Town will rise to become the Best Bakersfield blog.

Take that Waist High.

Witness for the Persecuted

Noveltown and his cronies are having a great time laughing it up over my typos. Instead of just telling me about it he says, “I see you are dyslexic.” In my own defense, did I not just recently say on my blog: a) I fired my editor b) My feeble mind was stretched to its absolute limits and c) work with me here people?

As matter of fact, I am dyslexic Mr. Noveltown. I’m also ovulating, hung over, suffering from sleep deprivation AND I haven't shaved my legs but I'm wearing a skirt anyway. If you mess with me today I will sick Waist High on you.

Why don’t you just go beat up some poor retarded kid?

Ouch.

I’m pretty sure I have bruises on my butt after reading Waist High’s response to me calling her a vulgar bitch and accusing her of sleeping with Google. In my own defense, I DID also call her “delightful” (an adjective I now choose to retract.) I will return to my corner and hang my head in shame.

b.t.w. My cat smokes cigars and belly dances. I don’t know how you get better than that.

S.M.S.W.A.

My kooky friend M.J. came over and commandeered my television. She is forcing me at gun point to watch American Idol. (She’s also forcing me to blog right now as she makes fun of my “chicken pecking fingers" on the keyboard while laughing at the look of horror on my face.)
Whew… she finally left me alone for a few minutes to go back to talking to the T.V.. “Look at her! She has one eyebrow.” “Shut up Kenny Loggins, you stupid, skinny 60 year old.”

In the name of all that is holy - somebody – anybody - Save.My.Skinny.White.Ass! She wants to watch the Simple Life next. I can feel my brain cells dying off with each minute that ticks by.

p.s. She’s funny and kooky, but she’s also single, sexy, and somethin’ else. Anyone interested?

p.p.s SHE MADE ME SAY THAT! Oh crap. Here she comes.....

All the pieces are falling into place.

I learned on the news recently that Bakersfield has become a hotspot for “reality” TV shows. If this is true, I think it may be the perfect time for my idea to come to fruition. The possibilities are endless.

In the mean time...Any sloppy, loser men out there interested in posing as my boyfriend so I can get those gay guys to decorate my house and buy me a flat screen TV? I'll let you keep the wardrobe.

So far, so good.

I really thought there would be a lot more Bako nicknames. I was going to blog about this a long time ago, but I could only think of about four or five. I appears I’m not the only one having trouble with this one. This is what we have so far:

Bako (duh)
Bakerspatch
Buckersfield ( I’ve never heard this one – I like it.)
Bakersburg
Backwardsfield
Bakingfield
And...The BFL (which could also stand for “Big F***ing (fill in the blank).

Well done friends.

Bovine Burps would be a good name for a band.

The breaking news on bakersfield.com today is cows burps are more harmful to the environment than their poops. Thanks to Frank Mitloehner and his “bovine bubble” Bako will soon be surrounded by miles of piles. Don’t be surprised if you find a couple flaming pies on your door step Frank. Special delivery courtesy of Bake Town.

I’m sure there are some benefits to having so many diaries around. My mother’s rose bushes will enjoy the boost of nutrients, and I do love my milk. Plus, I’m sure it’ll provide jobs for some of those millions of people moving here in the future. And let’s face it – cows are cute. Real cows I mean. Not fake cows. I know person who has her home covered in cows. It’s frightening.

Still, I wish the flower growing industry would move in, or the nursery industry. Any industry that plants nice things that smell good.

Any industry that DOESN’T make Bakersfield look like more of a hick town THAN EVER!

You're Fired!

A few of you may remember this post I did back in the early days introducing you to my “editor.” Lately I’ve been noticing him slacking off, but I said nothing. Today however, it has come to attention that a mistake was missed that is so glaring I have no choice but to let my editor go. What I am paying you for? Thanks to Bakotopia I found out I had written T-shit instead of T- shirt. I’m so sorry!

On a side note, I thought this was hilarious.... When Bakotopia asked me what size shirt I wanted I requested a medium. When they saw on my blog that the shirt was no where my size so I gave it to my son, the kind people at Bakotopia offered to send me an XL to replace it. Apparently they think I’m as big as a house. The medium was even a little big on my son and he’s HUGE. I think the small would still be too big for me. I weigh about 110 lbs. Bako – an XL would drag on the ground if I tried to wear it.

Thanks for the offer though.

Technorati

I found this cool new website yesterday. Check it out.

I love this.

My son came home from school yesterday with a letter from his new English teacher. His old English teacher got a different job and bailed mid-year. I want to share just a small portion of the letter with y'all.

"I retired from teaching at BHS in the summer of 2003 after the summer school session, but when Mr. Reese asked me to teach two of the GATE English classes, I responded with alacrity." Alacrity? Uh, yeah, this dude is an English teacher all right.

Any of you Drillers want to guess who the teacher is?

Props

This is for Flo...Apparently (she says), Evidently (I say), I am in need of some interaction. (We actually used to laugh at that "joke" for hours. N ow you know what it's like to grow up in Bakersfield.)

Thus, The Bake Town Blog was born. Thanks to the encouragement of the women who suggested it to me (directly and indirectly) in the first place. This site owes most of its inspiration to my delightfully, intelligent, worldly, persistent and yummy, yummy, sexy friend - Amy in NY. Y'all seriously need to pay attention to her NY Travel website. She KNOWS what she is talking about people. Trust me - I've been there (and she lives there.)

Nonetheless, if it was not for Waist High's vulgar, delightful, and Bakersfieldian reminiscent humor I would have never have found the courage to blog my first post. Waist High - I love you. Bitch.

Cheers ladies. ROCK ON!

p.s. Amy, in her ultimate wisdom, has given me another totally cool project idea which I will tell y'all about as soon as you start sending in your Bako nicknames. Come people - work with me here.

Bake rrrrr ???

Photo © Felix Adamo

All this talk about Bako, Bakotopia, Bake Town and such lately got me to thinkin'. Bakersfield has plenty of nicknames, most of which are derogatory – Bakerspatch and Backwardsfield for example. I think it’d be fun to compile a list of the nicknames y’all know and love - the good and the bad. Please email to baketownblog@hotmail.com and I will post the results at a later date.

Thanks in advance for your participation.

Bakotopia Rules!

The fruit of my loins consented to model the T-shirt as long
as he could remain anonymous. (He HATES it when I call
him that.)

I got my Bakotopia T-shirt in the mail today. Unfortunately for me it is no where near my size. Fortunately for Bakotopia it fit my son perfectly and since he wears a T-shirt everyday to school, it’s more appropriate that he have it. I also got some very cool stickers. One had some hot looking chicks on it, so I gave that to him also. I’m a good mom like that.

And by the way, I understand that Bakotopia is sorta in competition with Craig’s List, which is huge and widely admired. Nevertheless, I have to say, I think Bakotopia has a much better design and a more engaging layout than its predecessor. Nice work Bako.

Thanks again to Bakotopia and best of luck with your endeavors.

The Accidental Blogger

I received a very sweet email from a former Fieldian today (hi CSH!) who told me she stumbled across the blog somehow. Joe Nobody (hi Joe!) told me the same thing a long time ago. That got me thinking – so I did a little research.

If someone googles a search on “Bakersfield”, Bake Town is so low on the hit list it turns to magma. (Sorry, just trying to think of something really low.) Here’s a bit of trivia for JR - Bakersfield Ill News is number 220. If someone googles a search on “Bakersfield blog”, Bake Town is number 78. SEVENTY EIGHT? Waist High is number three! That’s right. One, Two, THREE!!! I hate that bitch. Even Amy in NY is higher - and she's on the other side of the freakin' continent.

I have come to the conclusion that this is a crime against humanity. Some thing must be done people – but what? I’m sure this will shock all of you, but I’m really not that technologically savy. I know the blog looks like it was professionally developed by the great Geek Wizard of Technological Gizmodom, but I’m telling ya, it’s all me. My feeble mind has been stretched to its absolute limits. I need help.

Waist High you seem to be at the top of the blog list. Who’d you sleep with at google to make that happen?

Redneck Pride

I couldn’t help but find some humor in the article today about a man who “says he shot (a) well-known elk for food.” Found near the remains of the elk were Natural Light cans and peanut shells. I thought it was even funnier when I read the report of a man who led Sheriffs in a brief car chase. His name is Johnny Cash, from Oildale. But I had to laugh out loud when I read the letter in the Opinion section from a man claiming the term Redneck is “not derogatory.” He encourages the big city folks moving to Bako to “embrace” the Redneck’s “friendly and kind style.”

This link is dedicated to him.

Bake Break

It looks like Bake Town has officially been discovered. N.L. Belardes, author of several novels, has linked me to his website. How cool is that? Even cooler is finding out about his book, Lords – Part One. I mentioned the whole Lords of Bakersfield thing a long time ago, but I never heard back from anyone. It’s a lot of reading, but it is a very interesting story.

Welcome Mr. Belardes to the Bake Town family. I added a link to his web site titled Bake Lit. Check it out!

Bakersfield, Why live anywhere else?

I found another Bakersfield community website called EverythingBakersfield. It's one of those basic informational type web sites. The logo on the top of the page reads "Bakersfield, Why live anywhere else?" After clicking on the "Entertainment Central" link I found another link that says "Ideas Of Things to do." Here are ideas on the list.

Why not check out our local museums?
Catch a Movie?
Go to the Park?
Adopt a Pet?
Join a Church?
Look up Events by location.
Check out a local sports league?
Go to a Restaurant or the Races?
Check out a Theatre or an Event auditorium?

Adopt a pet?? ADOPT A PET? Join a Church? Are these things past times now? Cuz if that's the best they can come up with for stuff to do in Bakersfield, I think they may have answered their own question.

No one will replace you (hopefully)

Johnny Carson after just delivering another joke about Bakersfield.

Johnny Carson was a very funny man and the world is sad to see him go - except for a few people in Bakersfield that is. It is in large part thanks to Johnny's frequent jokes about our fair city that it has the reputation of being a hick town. Apparently Johnny got his start here back when it really was a hick town, so it's not surprising that he had that impression. That and the fact that the people here didn't really get his jokes. sigh. There are two articles in the paper today talking about Johnny's jokes and his time here.

So, it is in Johnny's memory that I include this link for y'all to enjoy. In honor of the town Johnny loved to hate.

What's up?

The Gods took pity on Bake Town yesterday. For one day, one day only, it was beautiful. A friend and I decided to soak up as much sun (and liquor) as possible, so we headed out to THE Marketplace. Apparently no body else in town had the same idea, because we had the patio at Que Pasa to ourselves. I felt just like a lizard on a rock, sunning myself contentedly across from the fountain. We ordered two Cadillac margaritas and two fish tacos and then proceeded to make fun of people walking by. We didn’t intend to make fun of the people, but it’s just so hard not to when they dress like that!

Anyway, the fish tacos were good but according to my friend they were not even close to as good as mine. We started talking about getting rich selling my fish tacos but then the second round of margaritas arrived and all intelligent conversation came to a screeching halt. We realized it was time to go when my friend leaned her head down to sip her drink and came back up with the straw stuck in her hair and margarita juice dripping down into her face. I laughed so hard I nearly wet myself. Just thinking about it now is making me laugh again. Seriously, I was howling.

We caused such a scene people walking by stopped to make fun of us.

eeeeeewwwwww

I don't know how or why this happened but somebody did a search for "south Salvadorian naked young girls pics" and my site was number two on the hit list.

I am now thoroughly disgusted.

Getting down & dirty

I made it out for the second night in a row. Woo hoo! It’s like I’m 21 all over again. The Filthies totally rocked and I had a blast dancing my skinny, little, white fanny off.

I highly recommend you do the same immediately.

It's us against them.

I went to the farmers market this morning to buy some fresh organic fruit. I love going to the farmers market, but I usually forget about it until Sunday morning, and it’s only open on Saturday.

So, I took my camera and thought maybe I’d take some pics of the lovely Montgomery Ward parking lot while I shopped. I got there a little late, so I picked up a cantaloupe and pear and headed to the check out. I had put the pear into a plastic bag, thinking I was going to buy several, so I felt a little silly having just one pear in a bag. As I sat my produce down on the table the woman reached for her roll of plastic grocery bags. “I don’t need a bag” I told her. She ignored me as she placed the cantaloupe into a bag. I said nothing. She then proceeded to take the pear – the one pear which was already in a plastic bag – and place IT into ANOTHER PLASTIC BAG! I almost lost it. “I DO NOT NEED ANOTHER BAG!” I said oh so politely. To which she replied, “Well I don’t want your pear to get smashed by the cantaloupe.” I was so irritated I left with out taking a picture.

I have come to the conclusion that the end of the world is going to come as a result of us all being buried alive under a massive blanket of plastic bags. For some reason people don’t feel like an item has actually been purchased unless it is placed inside a plastic bag. It’s maddening. And then of course, some people argue that they use the bags – that they’re handy to have around. Sure, a couple of plastic bags may be successfully utilized, but do we all need 10,000 of them? I suggest that the answer is no.

So I’m asking you all to join me in my war against the plastic bags. When you walk into a drug store to buy a tube of toothpaste and the cashier immediately begins to place it into a plastic bag – just say no.

The world will be a better place because of you.

Silly, quirky nature

I feel so much better about myself today. I was starting to think I was weak of mind and spirit with the way I’ve been complaining about the cold, gray skies. It turns out I am not alone. Aha! On the front page of the local section is a big picture with the caption “Anyone seen the sun?” The corresponding article explains how a simple little quirk of nature is to blame. According to the article, “the southern valley is basically a bowl” and the air here is “dirtier, colder and smellier.”

I’m surprised they didn’t just go ahead and call it a toilet bowl.

Livin' in Bakotopia!

Now I feel bad for saying I don't know if this serves any useful purpose or not. Of course it does! Look what this nice man had to say...

Thanks for trying out the brand new Bakotopia.com, and also linking to us from your Blog! You said that you don't know exactly what we're about, so I'll make it easy and send you to our About Us section: http://www.bakotopia.com/home/pages/aboutus.htm

Here's the short version. Bakotopia is an online community whose sole purpose is to help local Bako people hook up for all kinds of reasons -- whether it's to buy or sell something, find a date, find someone to share an activity with, find a ride, etc. We're offering this as a free community service. Because we just launched last week, there aren't a lot of posts there yet, but with help from you and other local folks we're sure that it will grow.

Feel free to send other people our way. We just launched and we still have 48 more t-shirts to give away!

Regards,
Dan Pacheco
Bakotopia.com

Pretty cool, huh? I think this means I GET A T-SHIRT! I GET A T-SHIRT!! Woo hoo!
Pacheco, huh? As in Road? Any connection?

p.s. So you think I should try and get a date or is that just pathetic?

New Find

I just found this by accident and I don't know if it really serves any useful purpose, but I liked the T-shirt and I'm gonna see if I can get one.

Weekend update

I was going to go out of town for the weekend. The forecast in the paper showed five days of gray clouds and I was hoping to remind myself of what a sunny day looked like. But then I noticed the headline “Caltrans aims for I-5 fixes by Monday” and realized heading over the grapevine right now may not be the best idea. Then I got to work and saw this article, which made me rethink my plans all over again. If Monday is going to be the worst day ever, shouldn’t I try to lessen the blow by having a good weekend?

After many hours of deliberation I have come to the conclusion that another visit to Bill Lee’s would be sufficient to improve my attitude. A couple of those Mai Tais and the world becomes a more beautiful place. Tomorrow night I plan on going to see The Flithies. I know absolutely nothing about the band, but I dig the name and since that’s also the way I pick my ponies, I figured it’s worth a shot. Which reminds me… I used the same logic to boycott another local band. They call themselves Throat Shot. cough

Looking for stuff to do to keep my mind off of the fact that I will be remaining in town, I learned (thanks to JR) that The Pervs and The Needles are playing at Narducci’s. I like Narducci’s. It’s a good venue to see a band, the bar is cool, old-school style, and the drinks are strong and cheap (Bako style.) I will have to remember to be careful, however, because the BPD are going to be setting up a sobriety checkpoint tonight.

p.s. Scroll down to the post from Wednesday, January 12, 2005 that begins "and now a quick update from our very own fashion guru/shaman..." for a good laugh. This will only be funny to people who knew me in my former life.

Here’s some disturbing news...

The Bakersfield Californian reported Wednesday that the Central Valley’ population is growing by leaps and bounds, but the prosperity of its people is not. The median per capita income in the central valley is $24,550! That is 26% lower than the state average. Some of you might remember a post I did not long ago about the fact that population in Bakersfield is about to get dumber. Now it appears it is going to be broke too.

A town full of stupid, poor people. No wonder ‘they’ call us rednecks.

Eating my words

Just to mock me the clouds have dissipated and the sky has returned to a somewhat normal looking blue color.

Sometimes it does pay to complain.

Gray skies aren't gonna clear up

Clearly, the message Mother Nature is trying to send us after eight straight days of nothing but gray, cold weather is “STAY IN BED!” I see no good reason for any one to be forced out side the comforts of home and into an atmosphere that promotes depression and in some cases, pychosis.

Don't believe me? Here's an example: Two Canadian men, ages 23 & 24, were arrested Tuesday after robbing the Yum Yum Doughnuts in Oildale and then crashing their van into the back of a truck. After being hand cuffed, one of the men commented, "It's the weather! The weather made me do it!"

Okay, I made that last part up. It's the weather! The weather made me do it!

Bill Lee's Please

Yesterday was G's birthday. I took him to Bill Lee's for some cocktails and appetizers. G is a Bakersfield native and he said he had never been there! What madness is this? If you haven't been lately I suggest you go immediately. The best way to go is to sit in the bar. You can order off the menu and enjoy the atmosphere. The Mai Tais are really good and they come in a cute coconut cup with an umbrella and everything. The food is great and more importantly, it's consistent!

Check out the history of Bill Lee's here.

The forecast

This is a picture of the sky yesterday. It looks the same today and it will look the same tomorrow. It's cold, its gray and I'm going back to bed.

Restaurant Review

For the past couple of years or so when I’d drive down Chester I’d notice a little coffee shop on the corner of 20th Street. Tina Marie’s is always open for breakfast and lunch, but I’ve never seen anyone inside. This morning I decided to give the place a try.

It’s a big space with comfortable booths and plenty of potential. Unfortunately the potential was lost who ever did the decorating. Most of the stuff in there looked like it either belonged in a flower bed or like it had just been purchased in a garage sale. The ceiling has a cool space age looking over hang with inset lighting, but the whole thing was ignored by the decorator. On a scale of 1 to 10, the atmosphere is a big, fat 0.

The first thing my friend and I noticed when we looked at the menus was the every thing was $6.99. I really didn’t matter what it was, it was going to cost you $6.99. Bowl of cereal? $6.99. Steak and eggs? $6.99. Cup of coffee? $6.99. Alright, I’m exaggerating slightly. Still, the prices would have been okay if there were some interesting items to choose from. Two pancakes, anegg and sausage just doesn’t inspire me.

I had the biscuits and gravy. The biscuits were good, the gravy was not. One side of my plate was hot, the other was not. Talk about a half-assed operation. I couldn’t even get one of the two waitresses standing around to refill my cup of tasteless coffee.

By the time we left we had mentally redecorated, changed the menu turned the place into a really happening sushi bar. Now that’s what we need downtown.

Bako's Bad Ass!

A couple of weeks ago Bako was all a buzz over the Ralph’s moving out of town. All three Ralph’s grocery store are closing and will soon be replaced by Save Mart. Apparently some people feel very passionately about Ralph’s. News crews camped outside interviewing shoppers and concerned citizens wrote letters to the Californian.

One letter in particular stood out. It was a letter sent in by Barbara Schmid, a former LA resident who moved here three years ago. According to Barbara, the reason Ralph’s is leaving is because of “the redneck mentality that permeates throughout the Bakersfield community.” She goes on to talk about how the locals here are not nice and how the people in Los Angeles welcome new comers with open arms. She points out that the “the only thing Bakersfield has going for it is the cheaper real estate” and that it is in danger of becoming a “little island” because it is “stuck in its own little groove.” She also carefully mentions that she liked shopping at Ralph’s because they carry all the “gourmet and ethnic foods” she likes. Evidently Barbara is more concerned with having good food than she is with having good friends. If she thought Bakersfield was unfriendly before she’s really got a surprise in store (no pun intended.)

The local section today carried eight letters in response. All eight of them thought the woman was way off base. Three of them are recent transplants to the area. All of them defended the community’s acceptance of newcomers and challenged her depiction of a warmer, friendlier LA. Several people suggested the woman would be happier if she returned to the over priced, gridlocked, narcissistic city she so loves.

The thing is, only people from Bako are allowed to say anything bad about Bako. If you didn’t grow up running barefoot in 110° weather across melting asphalt to dash into a 7-11 for a slurpee; if you’ve never been to the Alley Cat and gone home spinning and vomiting; if you never drove in caravan out to the middle of a field on the edge of town, in the middle of the night to “party”; if you’ve never anxiously looked out the window hoping for fog and praying for 2 more hours sleep – YOU DO NOT GET TO BAD MOUTH BAKERSFIELD!

AND...If you had the same best friend for the past 27 years plus numerous other fabulous friends you knew you could count on no matter what – you wouldn’t want to.

Burglary Bummer

This is spooky. Just yesterday I posted a piece about the crime maps the BPD has started printing in the paper. I noticed that there seemed to be a lot of burglaries, robberies and such. And now… Just a minute ago a good friend of mine informed me that his house was broken into yesterday. I know how violated I felt when my car was broken into. I can’t imagine how awful it must feel to know you had someone creeping around in your house. Taking things you worked hard for. It burns me up! I think someone should come up with a theft deterrent system that zaps the thief with debilitating (but not life threatening) jolt of electricity when they try to break into a car or a home. AND have it spray a permanent hot pink dye that smells like skunk butt.

I bet that would slow some of ‘em down.

I once was Ill, but now I'm chill

After suffering for four days with a fever, hacking cough, sore throat and a runny nose I am finally starting to feel better. I can’t take cough suppressants cuz I have asthma, so my doc gives me this stuff called Hycodan. It’s like liquid Vicodin. Ooo baby – this stuff really works!

I would write more but my hands have gone numb.

McNally the Crime Map

The Bakersfield Californian came out with a new feature yesterday. Detailed maps of the crimes committed in each of the nine different police beats in town will be published weekly on the Internet and Wednesday through Saturday in the paper. The maps will show the different types of crimes committed and the approximate time and location. This should be interesting.

In the paper today they published a detailed map of beats three, six and nine, which translates into most of south Bakersfield. For the most part it looks as though there is a whole lot of stealing going on. It’s all burglary, robbery, theft, and auto theft. Knock on wood I’ve never been robbed. Wait – that’s not true. I’ve had my car stereo stolen, what? Five (almost six) times in three years.

Stupid ass car stereo thefts - I hate them.

Imagine me looking like this

© route66.com

I finally crawled out of bed and took a shower. It’s amazing how much being clean can make you feel better. I am slowly preparing to go to work while trying to decide if I should just stay home. On the one hand I don’t want to use up all my sick leave, and on the other I don’t want to be at work and have another attack of the killer fever. Then again, I didn’t really get much rest staying at home yesterday because my stupid crack head ghetto neighbors were blaring their music so loud my walls were vibrating. AND their kids (at least two of which are school age) were riding their bikes around screaming. I nearly went crazy trying to look for the number of who to call and report that these kids ARE NOT SICK! I AM! Why aren’t they in school and why aren’t their parents at work?

Not knowing what to do, I bundled up and went in search of my neighbor, whom I affectionately like to refer to as “Angry Gay Man” (not to his face, of course.) He saw me approaching through the window and opened the door shaking his head. “I called the cops at 10 to ll” he said. “What?” I yelled over the loud music. We then shared our animosity for our obstreperous neighbors for a while, parting with the thought that we hoped the cops showed up before they turned it down. After about an hour the music stopped and I slowly regained my sanity.

I have no idea if the cops ever did show up or not. But I do know that starting at around 8:00 pm I began to hear the low thump, thump pulse of the music again. I wasn’t loud, it was just there. I think I must be especially sensitive to bass sounds, so I did my best to ignore it. I went to bed at 9:00 and began to read. The thumping sound was occasionally broken by a loud whooping noise and some banging. I ignored it. At around 10:00 I turned off my light and tired to sleep, smashing my head between two pillows. Given the ferocity of the flu I have, I soon found this to be a bad idea. Next, I lay propped up on several pillows, struggling to breathe and dozing in and out of a fantasy world. In my dream I marched over to the apartment, gun in hand, and banged loudly on the door. As the door opened and the revelers turned to see me, I would shoot my gun into the air scaring the crap out of all of them and demanding they SHUT UP!

Those of you who know me will understand how shocking this is. Me! Dreaming about firing a gun?! Yes, folks, that’s how crazy I’ve become. Of course, as the dream progressed I realized that the next scene would involve all of them pulling out their guns, riddling me with bullets and leaving me slumped over and bleeding in the doorway as they continued to party.

I think I'll try wrtting a letter to landlord instead.

Pass the Kleenex

This is what I look like today (only slightly less manish.) If you don't hear from me in couple of days send some to dig me out from under the mountain of tissues.

Feeling Ill

It has been raining on and off for days now. This is the first time I can recall when I looked at the weather forecast in the local section it showed rain showers for every day of the week. I love the rain, but I do not love the worms. The sidewalk from my building to the other building at work is covered in worms. I try very hard not to step on them as I tip toe across the walkway. Most people don’t care and just step on them and smash them. It’s so gross. The worst part of all is the smell. They rot and they reek and I can not talk about this anymore cuz I’m starting to gag. Does this happen in Portland where it rains all the time? If so, how can you stand it?

Speaking of Portland, my dear friend Waist High recently informed me of another Bakersfield Blog she has discovered. Bakersfield Ill News is a younger, hipper blog about the music scene in town. If you are looking for information on local bands, this is the place to go.

Bad News

It is interesting for me to see how new people learn about my blog. I like to check the site meter and find out what people were searching for when Bake Town came up as a hit. I had a bunch of people searching for info on Amanda Zubia. One sicko was even trying to find pictures of her being tortured. Today I discovered the biggest sicko by far. This person did a search using the words “little girls pee pee” and found my site because of the post I did about the new perv in town. How gross is that?

Less disgusting, but equally as disturbing, I learned today that all of Bakersfield major school districts have more drug and alcohol offences than the state average. According to The Californian, “Kern students are more likely to be expelled, and more likely to be assaulted or sexually harassed by peers.” Because of this police officers are being assigned to all elementary and middle school campuses. What the hell is going on in this town? Bako used to be a great place to raise a family. Why is it so messed up now?

Anyone out there have any ideas? I’m stumped.

The Jazz Joint

I went out Friday night. For the first time in ages my friend and I hit the town. We began our evening at Mexicali. We toasted our Cadillac Margaritas over our enchiladas suizas to my friend Waist High (who I know is green with envy right now.) Next we headed to the Silver Fox for some karaoke. After 1 ½ Cadaillac Margaritas my friend had convinced me to perform my very popular rendition of “You're so Vain.” The applause was deafening and so we were forced to leave promptly. Next we head down to the new "P.J.'s Nite Club."

There was an article the paper recently about the man who opened P.J.’s He is originally from Los Angeles and purchased a home here in 2003 with plans to retire. (Yes, people. There are those who retire here.) Seeing an opportunity in our cultural devoid city, he decided to open the jazz & blues club in the location of the former Cellar, or “The Underground.” You know the place. There have been numerous bars in that location since it opened in the 1940s. P.J. also plans to open a Chicken and Waffle house down the street. I eagerly look forward to trying it out.

The club was full, my friend and I found the last available seats at the bar. There were numerous tables and chairs, and a waitress delivering drinks, which in itself is a refreshing change. Luther Davis and his band were playing and the crowd loved every minute of it. A couple of people got up to dance, but there really isn’t much space for that. Most of us just rocked in our seats grinning to the music. I even saw some old high school alumni I hadn’t seen in ages. A 60 year old white man bought me a beer and tried to make chit-chat but I was too into the music. Besides, he’s 60! Hello!

We had a great time and I know I’ll be going back there again soon.

Oh – and just to really rub it in WH’s face – I went back to Mexicali the next day for lunch.
mmm, mmm good!

Makes me think of Pooh.

It's a beautiful, blustery day so I decided to take the afternoon off to play. Play probably means doing laundry and recycling, but at least I'm not at work.

There's another new perv in town.

The news stations are all abuzz talking about the new child molester let loose in our city. Joe Todd Reed enjoys showing his pee pee to little girls. He was convicted of LEWD OR LASCIVIOUS ACTS WITH CHILD UNDER 14 YEARS back in July and was released in September. That didn’t take long. Apparently he failed to register his new location so now the authorities are looking for him.

Listening to all this stuff in the news made me remember a run in I had with perv when I was a little girl. I think I was in the 6th grade, so I was probably around 12 years old. My best friend and I were nearing the end of our second annual Walk-a-Thon. (I don’t know why, but we actually did those things for fun back then.) The final destination was Patriot's Park and we decided to cheat a little and cut across the West High campus. As we walked through the parking lot next to DeMello Hall a man on a bicycle rode up and blocked our path. He wanted directions somewhere but we were not able to help. He kept pressing and asking questions and I remember thinking ‘What’s with this guy? Why doesn’t he ask a grown up?’ Just then I glanced down and saw a very gross looking purple, veiny thing hanging out of his shorts. I had never seen one before and at first I was confused. Then in a flash I realized what was going on and I was scared. The thing I remember most was the look on the creep’s face when I looked back at him. He was smiling and I could tell he was enjoying the fact that he scared me. That made me mad. I don’t remember what I said, but I gave him my ugliest hateful look, grabbed my friend and stormed off.

It never even crossed my mind to tell someone what had happened.

Up & Running

So I'm all signed up with Google AdSense and BlogAid. All you gotta do is click on the ads - you don't have to buy anything! I'm not sure yet how much I get for each click, it's probably just a fraction of a cent, so it'll be interesting to see how much I can raise. Sometin's betterin' Nuthin' my mama used to say.

Remember - all the dough goes to tsunami relief so click away!

BlogAid

I haven’t said anything about the catastrophe in Asia yet, partly because I am so disturbed by the whole thing but also because I’ve already voiced my opinions about helping others enough. I’m sure that each and every one of you are already doing all you can to help and are capable of finding viable charities on your own. But I did think this is worth mentioning.

There is program called BlogAid in which all bloggers currently making money from their sites (either through ads or donations) pledge to give their earnings to BlogAid. I currently do not make any money off my blog, and I doubt I ever will, but I have signed up for Google AdSense and BlogAid. This means that every time you click on an advertisement on my blog a few cents will go into my account and all the money earned on a monthly basis will then be sent to the Tsunami relief fund. Cool, huh? I don't have every thing up and running yet.

In the mean time, here is the list of blogs who have pledged their site earnings to relief.

Snow what?

© Felix Adamo

I hope y’all had a very Happy New Year. Mine has been mellow and comfortable, sort of like a bowl of warm mashed potatoes. Comforting but not really inspiring, hence the lack of posts lately. Plus I’ve never been a huge fan of New Year’s. I hate that the whole resolution thing and I get sick of never having someone special to kiss at midnight. I avoided New Year’s all together this year and went to bed with a book.

Not much going on around town right now, or at least not that I’m aware of. It’s been raining a ton, which is really great. The mountains are covered in snow and I’m dying to go skiing. I’m hoping to at least get up to the snow line in couple of weeks. Go sledding maybe. That reminds me, did any of you see that article on CNN about the Christian Youth Group that went sledding somewhere back East and ALL of them got hurt? They ignored signs warning people it was dangerous, and sent about 30 people to the hospital. I think that's funny cuz I’m pretty sure I was almost killed during a sledding trip to Tehachapi with my church youth group. Christians can be crazy.

Speaking of crazy Christians, there’s an article in the paper today about the prayer meeting held at Kern County Supervisor Michael Rubio’s swearing in ceremony. According to the paper the pastors speaking a the event claimed Rubio “was brought to power by the Almighty himself.”

Yup, that sounds like Bake Town.